My name is N Jan.

It means light of the world in my language.

I did not choose this name.

My mother gave it to me 32 years ago in Kabul, Afghanistan.

She could not have known then what that name would come to mean.

She could not have known that one day I would meet the true light of the world in the darkest place imaginable.

Two years ago, I was sentenced to death by stoning in Afghanistan.

The charge was apostasy, leaving Islam, following Jesus Christ.

Today, I stand before you alive and free, and I want to tell you how I got here.

I want to tell you what God did.

But to understand the miracle, you must first understand the darkness.

Let me take you back to August 2021.

That was when everything changed for Afghanistan and for me.

Hello viewers from around the world.

Before Nor shares her story, we’d love to know where you’re watching from so we can pray for you and your city.

Thank you and may God bless you as you listen to this powerful testimony.

I was a teacher.

I had been teaching for 8 years at a girl’s school in Cabbell.

I taught literature and history to girls aged 12 to 16.

I loved my work.

I loved seeing their faces light up when they understood something new.

When they read a poem that moved them.

When they realized that learning could open doors they never knew existed.

These girls were hungry for education.

Their mothers had lived under Taliban rule before.

In the 1990s, when women could not work, could not study, could barely exist outside their homes, these mothers wanted different lives for their daughters, and I was helping give them that chance.

Then the Taliban returned.

I remember the day, August 15th.

I was preparing lessons for the new school year.

We were supposed to start in 2 weeks.

I had my lesson plans laid out on my desk.

I had borrowed new books from the library.

I was excited.

Then my father came home early from his shop, his face gray with fear.

He turned on the television.

We watched the news together.

The government had fallen.

The president had fled.

The Taliban were entering Kabul.

My mother began to cry.

She remembered.

She had lived through their rule before.

She knew what was coming.

Within days, everything changed.

The music stopped playing in the streets.

The colorful advertisements came down from the walls.

Women disappeared from television.

The news anchors were all men now, all with long beards, all wearing turbons.

Then came the decrees.

Women must cover completely.

Women cannot work in most jobs.

Women cannot travel without a male guardian.

And then the one that broke my heart, girls cannot attend school beyond the sixth grade.

Just like that, my job was gone.

Just like that, the futures of millions of girls were erased.

I will never forget going to the school one last time to collect my things.

The building was empty.

The classrooms where girls had laughed and learned were silent.

I walked through the halls and I felt like I was walking through a graveyard.

These were not just rooms.

These were dreams that had died.

I stood in my classroom and I looked at the empty desks and I wept.

I thought of Miam who wanted to be a doctor.

I thought of Fatima who wrote poetry that made me cry.

I thought of little Zara, only 12, who asked more questions than anyone I had ever taught.

What would happen to them now? What would happen to their dreams? I took my books home in a bag.

I felt like I was smuggling contraband.

In a way, I was.

Knowledge had become contraband.

Learning had become rebellion.

The next months were suffocating.

My world became smaller and smaller.

I could not work.

I could not go out without my brother or my father.

I had to wear the full burka, the one that covers everything, even your eyes behind a mesh screen.

I felt like a ghost, like I did not exist.

I would see women beaten in the streets by the Taliban’s religious police for showing a bit of ankle, for laughing too loudly, for walking without a male guardian.

I saw fear everywhere.

The city that had been coming alive after years of war was dying again.

But it was not just the rules that suffocated me.

It was the cruelty behind them.

It was the way they justified it all with Islam.

I had grown up Muslim.

I had prayed five times a day.

I had fasted during Ramadan.

I had read the Quran.

I believed in Allah.

But this this did not feel like the faith I knew.

This felt like something else.

Something dark and angry and hateful.

I started having questions.

Questions I could not ask anyone.

Questions that felt dangerous even to think.

Is this really what God wants? Does God really hate women this much? Does God really want half of humanity to be invisible, to be nothing, to be prisoners in their own homes? I would push these thoughts away.

Questioning your faith is dangerous in Afghanistan.

Questioning Islam can get you killed.

So, I kept my doubts locked inside my heart.

And I prayed and I tried to believe that somehow this was all part of God’s plan that I could not understand.

But then something happened that changed everything.

It was January 2022, 6 months after the Taliban returned.

I was at home going slowly crazy with boredom and frustration.

My younger sister Paresa came to visit.

She was crying.

She told me about her friend Ila.

Ila was 16.

Her family had married her off to a Taliban fighter, a man in his 40s.

Ila did not want to marry him.

She begged her family not to make her.

But they had no choice.

The Taliban commander wanted her.

And you do not say no to the Taliban.

The wedding happened.

Ila was crying through the whole ceremony.

She was a child.

A child being given to a man old enough to be her father.

Parisa told me this and she said something I will never forget.

She said that when Leila’s family was asked about it, they quoted a hadith.

They quoted Islamic teaching to justify giving a child to a grown man.

They said the prophet himself had married a young girl.

So this was acceptable.

This was Islamic.

This was right.

I felt something break inside me that day.

I felt angry.

Truly angry.

Not at the Taliban, not at Leila’s family, but at the system, at the interpretation, at the way faith was being used as a weapon to hurt and control and destroy.

That night, I could not sleep.

I lay in bed and I stared at the ceiling and I prayed.

I prayed to Allah and I said, “Is this really what you want? Is this really your will?” I got no answer, only silence.

The silence felt heavier than any answer could have been.

It was shortly after this that the idea came to me.

If I could not teach officially, I could teach unofficially.

If girls could not go to school, I could bring school to them.

I started small.

I contacted three mothers I knew from before.

Women whose daughters had been in my classes.

I told them I could teach their daughters in secret in my home.

just basic literacy and math, just enough to keep their minds alive.

The mothers were terrified.

They were also desperate.

They said yes.

That is how the secret school began.

Three girls in my family’s living room twice a week.

We would tell neighbors we were having Quran study.

We were careful.

We kept the real books hidden.

We had Islamic texts on the table in case anyone came to the door.

But underneath we were teaching literature, mathematics, history.

We were keeping the light of learning alive in the darkness.

Words spread quietly.

By March, I had seven girls.

By May, 12.

We had to move locations constantly.

One week in my home, one week in another mother’s home, always rotating, always careful.

We were like ghosts appearing and disappearing, teaching in whispers.

The girls were so hungry to learn.

They absorbed everything like dry ground absorbing rain.

They asked questions.

They wrote essays.

They solved equations.

They were alive in those moments.

Truly alive in a way they could not be anywhere else in the Taliban’s Afghanistan.

But I was always afraid.

Every knock on the door made my heart stop.

Every stranger who looked too long made me nervous.

The Taliban had informants everywhere.

Neighbors reported neighbors.

Family members reported family members.

One word to the wrong person and we would all be arrested.

The girls could be beaten.

I could be imprisoned or worse.

There were close calls.

Once a Taliban patrol was going door todo on our street doing random inspections.

We were in the middle of a lesson.

We had 30 seconds.

We hid all the books under floor cushions.

We brought out Qurans.

We covered our heads completely.

When they knocked, we were sitting in a circle reading Quranic verses.

They looked around.

They questioned us.

And then they left.

My hands did not stop shaking for an hour afterward.

Despite the fear, I kept teaching.

I had to.

Education was the only hope these girls had.

Without it, they would be married off young, trapped in homes, never knowing what they could have been.

I could not let that happen.

Even if it cost me everything, I had to try to give them a chance.

But as I taught them, something was changing inside me.

The questions I had pushed down were rising back up stronger.

Now I would read the approved Islamic texts we used as cover and I would see things I had never noticed before.

Contradictions, justifications for things that felt wrong.

The more I read, trying to find peace, the more troubled I became.

I witnessed things that haunted me.

A woman beaten in the street for letting her burka slip and show her face.

The Taliban fighter who did it quoted Quranic verses as he struck her.

I saw a young girl, maybe 14, whose hands were cut off for stealing bread to feed her siblings.

They did it in public in the square.

And they called it Islamic justice.

They called it God’s law.

I would go home and I would pray and I would ask, “Is this you? Is this what you want?” The silence from heaven was deafening.

One evening in June 2022, something happened that I think now was God’s hand, though I did not know it then.

I could not sleep.

The questions in my mind were too loud.

I got up in the darkness and I took out my phone.

This phone was my secret.

Most women were not supposed to have smartphones.

The Taliban wanted to control all communication, but I had one bought on the black market, hidden in my room.

I used it rarely and only late at night, connecting to my neighbor’s Wi-Fi that I had hacked the password for.

That night, I opened the phone and I started searching for answers.

I looked for Islamic scholars who might explain things differently.

I looked for interpretations that made sense of the cruelty I was seeing.

I read arguments and debates between different schools of Islamic thought.

Some of it helped a little.

Some of it made me more confused.

Then by accident, I clicked on a link that took me to a website I had not intended to visit.

It was a Christian website in Farsy.

Someone had translated Christian materials into my language.

My first instinct was to close it immediately.

Christians were kafir infidels.

I had been taught this my whole life.

Their book was corrupted.

Their beliefs were wrong.

To even read their materials was dangerous to my soul.

But I did not close it.

I do not know why.

curiosity maybe or desperation or perhaps God’s hand on my heart.

Though I would not have believed that then I read for maybe 5 minutes.

It was about Jesus, about his teachings, about love and forgiveness and peace.

It was simple.

It was beautiful.

It was nothing like what I had been taught Christians believed.

I closed the phone and I tried to forget what I had read.

But I could not forget the words stayed with me.

Over the next weeks, I kept thinking about it.

I told myself I was just curious.

I told myself I was just trying to understand different perspectives to be a better teacher.

I told myself many lies to justify what I was doing.

Late at night when everyone was asleep, I would take out my phone and I would go back to that website.

I would read more about Jesus, about his life, about what he taught.

The more I read, the more confused I became.

This Jesus seemed different from anything I had known.

In Islam, Isa is a prophet, yes, but a distant figure.

Here in these Christian writings, he was something more.

He was close.

He was personal.

He spoke to people with such love and such authority.

He healed the sick.

He defended the oppressed.

He elevated women in a time when women were nothing.

He challenged the religious leaders who used faith as a tool of power.

I found myself drawn to his words in a way I could not explain.

When I read his teachings, something in my heart responded.

It was like hearing a voice I had been waiting my whole life to hear.

But this was dangerous.

I knew it was dangerous.

I was playing with fire.

If anyone knew I was reading Christian materials, I could be arrested.

I could be beaten.

My family could be shamed.

The secret school would be destroyed.

Everything would be lost.

Yet, I could not stop.

By September 2022, I was deep into something I could not pull myself out of.

I had found websites with entire portions of the Bible translated into Farsy.

I read the Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.

I read them over and over.

I read about Jesus touching lepers when everyone else rejected them.

I read about him talking to the Samaritan woman at the well, treating her with dignity when her own people shamed her.

I read about him defending the woman caught in adultery, saying, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

” I read the sermon on the mount, “Blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the persecuted.

” I read these words in my dark room under my blanket with my phone hidden, terrified someone would hear me crying because I was crying.

These words touched something deep in my soul.

They spoke to the questions I had been asking.

They spoke to the pain I had been feeling.

They spoke to a hunger I did not even know I had.

Still, I told myself I was just learning, just exploring, just satisfying curiosity.

I was still Muslim.

I still prayed the five daily prayers.

I still fasted.

I still believed in Allah.

I was not converting.

I was just looking.

That is what I told myself.

But I was lying to myself.

Something was changing.

Something was shifting in my heart.

A door was opening that I did not know how to close.

In October, I found something that changed everything.

I found a website where I could download a complete Farsy Bible, not just portions, the whole thing, Old Testament and New Testament, everything.

There was a download button right there on the screen.

I stared at that button for a long time.

My hand hovered over it.

I knew that if I pressed it, I was crossing a line.

Possessing a Bible in Afghanistan was dangerous.

Possessing it as a Muslim was apostasy.

If anyone found it, I could be killed.

But I wanted it.

I wanted to read more.

I wanted to understand.

I wanted to know the truth.

Whatever the truth was, I told myself I would just download it, just read it, just satisfy my curiosity, and then I would delete it.

no one would ever know.

So, I pressed the button.

The file downloaded.

I saved it in a hidden folder on my phone, disguised with a different name.

I held my phone in my hands, and I felt like I was holding a bomb.

This little device now contained something that could end my life.

I did not read it that night.

I was too afraid.

I put the phone away and I tried to sleep, but sleep would not come.

The next afternoon, I was alone in my room.

Everyone else was out.

I locked my door.

I took out my phone.

I opened the hidden folder.

I opened the Bible file.

And I started reading.

I started with Genesis, with creation, with God speaking light into darkness.

I read for hours.

I lost track of time.

I was absorbed in these ancient words, these stories I had heard about but never really known.

the flood, Abraham, Moses, the Exodus, the prophets.

Then I moved to the New Testament, back to the Gospels I had read before, but now with more context, more depth.

I read Acts about the early church about persecution, about believers being scattered, but faith spreading anyway.

I read Paul’s letters.

Romans, Corinthians, Ephesians, words about grace, about faith, about love, about freedom in Christ.

I did not understand everything.

Some of it was confusing.

Some of it seemed to contradict what I had been taught.

But some of it was so clear, so beautiful, so true that I felt it in my bones.

By December 2022, I had read the entire Bible once.

I was reading it again.

I had also found something else, an audio Bible.

Someone had recorded the entire Farsy Bible, every book, every chapter, every verse read aloud by native speakers.

I downloaded it onto a small USB drive I had bought.

This was safer than having it on my phone.

A USB drive could be hidden more easily.

It could be destroyed more quickly if needed.

I would listen to it at night lying in bed with tiny earphones hidden under my headscarf.

I would listen to the words washing over me in the darkness.

I would hear the voice reading Isaiah, Psalms, the Gospels, Revelation.

I would fall asleep to these words.

I would wake up to them.

They became the soundtrack of my secret life.

One night in late December, I was listening to the book of John, chapter 14.

Jesus was speaking to his disciples, comforting them, telling them not to be afraid.

Then I heard these words.

I am the way, the truth, and the life.

No one comes to the father except through me.

I sat up in bed.

I rewound and listened again and again.

These words struck me like lightning.

Jesus was not just claiming to be a prophet.

He was claiming to be the only way to God, the only truth, the only life.

This was not something a prophet would say.

This was something God would say.

I felt something crack inside me.

A wall I had been building to protect myself, to keep myself safe, to stay in the religion I had been born into.

That wall was crumbling.

And on the other side was Jesus looking at me, calling me.

I was terrified.

I was exhilarated.

I was confused.

I was more certain than I had ever been about anything all at the same time.

I did not sleep that night.

I lay in darkness listening to the audio Bible and I wrestled with God.

I wrestled with the truth.

I wrestled with what this all meant.

If Jesus was who he said he was, then everything changed.

Everything.

My life, my faith, my identity, my future, everything.

By the time dawn came, I was exhausted.

But something had shifted.

I did not have all the answers.

I did not understand everything.

But I knew one thing.

I believed Jesus was real.

I believed he was who he said he was.

I believed he was calling me.

I just did not know what to do about it.

The next days and weeks were a blur of confusion and fear and strange peace all mixed together.

I kept teaching the girls.

I kept living my outward Muslim life.

But inwardly, I was changing.

I was becoming someone new, someone I did not fully recognize yet.

I wanted to talk to someone about what I was feeling.

But who could I tell? My family would disown me.

My friends would report me.

The girls I taught would be horrified.

I was completely alone with this secret.

Alone except for Jesus, who was somehow becoming more real to me than anything else in my life.

It was January 2023 when something happened that I think now was God preparing me for what was coming.

We had a close call with the secret school.

Very close.

We were teaching in a house on the east side of the city.

Nine girls were there.

We were in the middle of a mathematics lesson.

Suddenly, we heard shouting outside.

Taliban trucks.

A raid on the house next door.

They were looking for someone.

Some man they suspected of working with the former government.

We froze.

The girls looked at me with terror in their eyes.

If the Taliban searched this house too, we were all finished.

I made a quick decision.

I told the girls to hide the books under floor cushions.

I told them to sit in a circle.

I brought out a Quran.

I told them to bow their heads like we were praying.

They obeyed immediately.

We sat there in that circle, heads bowed.

And I heard the Taliban next door breaking down the door, shouting, dragging someone out.

We heard a man screaming.

We heard gunshots.

We heard a woman crying.

And we sat there, heads bowed, pretending to pray, barely breathing.

I do not know what made me do what I did next.

I should have recited Quranic verses.

I should have said Muslim prayers.

But instead, in my mind, I prayed to Jesus.

I prayed desperately.

I prayed, “Jesus, if you are real, if you hear me, please protect us.

Please hide us.

Please do not let them come here.

” We sat like that for what felt like hours, but was probably 10 minutes.

The noise next door continued, shouting, breaking glass, a woman weeping, but no one came to our door.

No one knocked.

No one searched our house.

Eventually, we heard the trucks drive away.

We heard silence.

I opened my eyes.

The girls opened theirs.

We looked at each other.

We were alive.

We were safe.

They thought we had just been lucky.

But I knew something different.

I knew someone had heard my prayer.

Someone had protected us.

That was the day I stopped lying to myself about what was happening.

That was the day I admitted the truth that was growing in my heart.

I believed in Jesus.

Not just as a prophet, as my Lord, as my savior, as the son of God.

I still did not tell anyone.

I still lived outwardly as a Muslim.

I still prayed the five prayers, though my heart was elsewhere.

I still fasted during Ramadan, though I felt like a hypocrite.

I was living a double life and it was exhausting.

But what choice did I have? To confess faith in Christ in Afghanistan was to choose death.

So I kept my secret.

I kept teaching.

I kept reading the Bible in hidden moments.

I kept listening to the audio Bible at night.

I kept praying to Jesus when no one could hear me.

And I kept hoping that somehow someday I would find a way to live honestly, to live as the person I was becoming.

I did not know then that my time was running out.

I did not know that someone was watching me.

I did not know that soon everything would fall apart and I would face the choice I had been avoiding, Christ or death.

But God knew he was preparing me.

He was strengthening me.

He was getting me ready for what was coming.

The storm was gathering.

I just could not see it yet.

Asked two, the hidden word.

It was February 2023 when I first prayed to Jesus out loud.

I know the exact date because it was the anniversary of my father’s heart attack 3 years before.

He had survived, but that day always brought back memories of fear and helplessness.

That morning, I was alone in my room, and I felt overwhelmed with gratitude that my father was still alive.

Without thinking, without planning, I knelt down and I whispered, “Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you for my father’s life.

” The words came out before I could stop them.

And the moment they left my mouth, something changed.

Speaking his name aloud made it real in a way that thinking it never had.

It was like a door had opened between my inner world and my outer world.

For months, Jesus had been my private secret.

Now I had spoken to him out loud in my room in Kabell, Afghanistan, where speaking that name could get me killed.

My heart was pounding.

I looked around as if someone might have heard me even though I was alone.

But along with the fear came something else.

Peace.

A deep unexplainable peace that filled my chest and spread through my whole body.

I stayed kneeling there for a long time just feeling that peace, just being in that presence.

From that day on, I began praying to Jesus regularly, always in secret, always in whispers, always when I was sure no one could hear.

I would pray in the morning before anyone else woke up.

I would pray at night after everyone was asleep.

I would pray during the day if I found myself alone for even a few minutes.

I would lock my door or hide in the bathroom or stand in the kitchen pretending to cook while I whispered prayers to the God I was coming to know.

I was still outwardly Muslim.

I still went through all the motions.

Five times a day, I would wash and face Mecca and go through the physical movements of Islamic prayer.

But my heart was not in it anymore.

My heart was somewhere else.

My heart was with Jesus and I felt guilty about the deception.

But I did not know what else to do.

To stop praying as a Muslim would raise questions I could not answer.

To start praying as a Christian would mean death.

So I lived this double life.

And it was exhausting and terrifying and also strangely beautiful because even though I was alone, I did not feel alone.

Even though I was hiding, I felt seen.

Jesus was with me.

I could not explain it.

I just knew it.

I felt his presence.

When I prayed to him, I felt like someone was actually listening.

When I read his words, I felt like someone was actually speaking to me.

It was intimate and real in a way I had never experienced in all my years of practicing Islam.

Around this time, I started memorizing scripture.

I did this partly for practical reasons.

I could not always have my phone or USB drive with me.

If someone discovered them, I would be exposed.

But if I had scripture in my heart, no one could take that away from me.

I could carry it safely.

I could access it any time.

And so I began committing verses to memory.

The first passage I memorized was Psalm 23.

I had read it dozens of times.

Every time I read it, I cried.

It spoke to my soul.

So, I decided to learn it by heart.

I would read one verse, then close my eyes and repeat it.

Read another verse, repeat it over and over until I had the whole psalm fixed in my mind.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

I would whisper these words to myself throughout the day when I was afraid, which was often.

When I was teaching the girls and worried about being discovered.

When I heard Taliban trucks driving through the streets.

When I saw women being beaten or humiliated, I would whisper, “The Lord is my shepherd.

” And I would feel courage return.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

These words became my anchor.

In a country that had become a valley of death’s shadow, where evil seemed to rule, where fear was everywhere, these words reminded me that I was not alone.

God was with me.

Even here, even in Taliban ruled Afghanistan, even in my secret hidden faith, he was with me.

I memorized other passages, too.

John 14 where Jesus says, “Let not your heart be troubled, and I am the way, the truth, and the life.

” I memorized Romans 8 about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

I memorized parts of the sermon on the mount.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

That verse struck me particularly hard.

Persecuted for righteousness.

That is what would happen to me if my faith was discovered.

I would be persecuted.

I would be punished.

But Jesus said that was a blessing.

He said the kingdom of heaven belonged to such people.

It was a strange comfort.

It did not make me less afraid, but it made my fear mean something.

It gave purpose to the risk I was taking.

The audio Bible on my USB drive became my most precious possession.

Every night, I would wait until the house was quiet.

I would lock my door.

I would take out the USB drive from its hiding place.

I had hidden it inside a small cloth bag that I kept inside a box of sanitary supplies.

No man would search there.

Even if Taliban raided our house, they would not look in such things.

It was the safest place I could think of.

I would plug tiny earphones into my phone, then connect the USB drive, and I would lie in bed listening to the word of God being read to me in my own language.

The voice was calm and gentle.

It felt like Jesus himself was sitting beside my bed, reading to me, comforting me, teaching me.

I would fall asleep to the sound of scripture.

It gave me dreams that were peaceful instead of the nightmares that haunted most of my sleep.

One night in March, I was listening to the Gospel of Matthew.

The reader reached chapter 5, the sermon on the mount.

Jesus was teaching about loving your enemies, about praying for those who persecute you, about turning the other cheek, about going the extra mile.

These teachings were radical.

They were opposite of everything I saw around me.

The Taliban taught hatred of enemies.

They taught violence and revenge.

They taught domination.

But Jesus taught something completely different.

Then I heard these words, “You have heard that it was said, you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your father who is in heaven.

” I stopped the audio.

I rewound and listened again.

Love your enemies.

Pray for those who persecute you.

I thought about the Taliban.

I thought about the men who had taken away my job, my freedom, my country.

The men who beat women in the streets, the men who had destroyed any hope of a future for Afghan girls.

These were my enemies.

And Jesus was telling me to love them, to pray for them.

I did not want to.

I wanted to hate them.

I did feel hate for them.

They deserved hatred.

They deserved judgment.

They deserved punishment.

But Jesus said to love them.

I lay there in the darkness struggling with this.

It felt impossible.

It felt unfair.

Why should I love people who were doing such evil? Why should I pray for people who would kill me if they knew what I believed? But the words would not leave me alone.

Love your enemies.

Pray for those who persecute you.

I realized that this was not just teaching.

This was a command.

And if I truly believed Jesus was Lord, if I truly was following him, then I had to obey even when it was hard, especially when it was hard.

So I started praying for the Taliban.

Not praying that God would destroy them, though part of me wanted that, but praying that God would save them.

Praying that they would encounter Jesus the way I had encountered him.

praying that their hearts would be changed.

It felt strange.

It felt wrong.

But I did it.

And slowly over time, something in my own heart began to change.

The hatred started to soften.

Not disappearing completely, but softening, being replaced with something else.

Pity, maybe compassion, a recognition that they too were lost.

They too were blind.

They too needed what I had found.

This did not make me less afraid of them.

I was still terrified every day, but it changed how I saw them.

They were no longer just monsters.

They were human beings who had been deceived, who believed lies, who needed truth, just like I had been deceived, just like I had believed lies, just like I had needed truth.

The secret school continued through these months.

By April 2023, we had 15 girls.

This was getting dangerously large.

The more people involved, the more risk of exposure.

But I could not turn anyone away.

These girls needed education.

They needed hope.

And I needed them too in a way.

Teaching them gave me purpose.

It gave me a reason to keep going when everything else felt hopeless.

I was careful never to share my changing faith with them.

I wanted to.

Sometimes I desperately wanted to tell them about Jesus, about what I was discovering, about the peace I had found.

But I knew I could not.

It would put them in danger.

It would put their families in danger and it would expose me.

So I kept teaching them literacy and mathematics and literature and I kept my other life completely separate.

But one afternoon in late April, something happened that made me realize how close I was to the edge.

We were studying poetry.

One of the girls, 16-year-old Amina, had written a poem about freedom.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking.

She read it aloud to the group.

It was about birds trapped in cages dreaming of the sky.

When she finished, another girl asked her where she got the idea.

Amina said she had been thinking about paradise, about heaven, about what it would be like to be free.

Then she asked me a question.

She said, “Teacher, do you think all religions teach about the same paradise? Do you think Christians and Muslims and Jews all go to the same place? The room went quiet.

All the girls were looking at me.

It was an innocent question, a theological question, the kind of thing curious teenagers ask.

But it was also dangerous because the Taliban answer was clear.

Only Muslims go to paradise.

Everyone else goes to hell.

That was what I was supposed to say.

But I did not want to say that.

I did not believe that anymore.

I believed Jesus was the only way.

I believed what he said.

No one comes to the father except through him.

But how could I say that? How could I answer honestly without exposing myself? I took a breath.

I chose my words carefully.

I said that different religions teach different things about paradise and about how to get there.

I said that these were important questions and that each person must search for truth sincerely and honestly.

I said that God sees the heart and that he knows who is truly seeking him.

It was a vague answer.

It was a safe answer.

It was a non-answer.

But it was the best I could do.

Amina nodded.

She seemed satisfied.

The other girls moved on to other topics.

But my heart was racing.

That question had come so close to exposing everything.

What if she had pushed further? What if she had asked me directly what I believed? Would I have had the courage to tell the truth? Or would I have lied to protect myself? I did not know.

I hoped I would never have to find out.

But that night, lying in bed, I prayed about it.

I asked Jesus what I should have said.

I asked him if it was wrong to hide my faith.

I asked him if I was being a coward.

I did not hear an audible answer.

But I felt a peace about it.

I felt like God understood my situation.

I felt like he was not asking me to be reckless.

Not yet.

There would come a time for boldness, but this was not that time.

For now, wisdom meant silence.

Wisdom meant caution.

Wisdom meant staying alive so I could continue helping these girls.

Still, the question stayed with me.

How long could I live this double life? How long could I hide? And what would happen when I could not hide anymore? I tried not to think about it.

I tried to focus on each day teaching, reading scripture, praying, listening to the audio Bible, memorizing more verses, building up my faith for whatever was coming.

In May, I memorized the entire book of Philippians.

I do not know why I chose that book.

Maybe because it was short.

Maybe because Paul wrote it from prison and I felt like I was in a kind of prison, too.

Whatever the reason, I worked through it verse by verse until I had all four chapters in my heart.

One passage in particular became my prayer.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

When I felt weak, which was every day, I would whisper these words.

When I felt afraid, which was always, I would remind myself that Christ was my strength.

I did not have to be strong enough on my own.

he would be strong through me.

By June 2023, I had been living this double life for about six months.

Six months of secret faith, 6 months of hidden prayers, 6 months of reading forbidden scripture and listening to the audio Bible in the darkness, 6 months of memorizing God’s word while outwardly performing the rituals of Islam.

It was taking a toll on me.

I was exhausted all the time.

The constant fear, the constant vigilance, the constant lying wore me down.

I was losing weight.

I was not sleeping well.

My mother noticed and asked if I was sick.

I told her I was just tired, just stressed about life under the Taliban.

This was true, but it was not the whole truth.

The whole truth was that I was changing, becoming someone new, someone I could not show to anyone.

I would look in the mirror and wonder who I was.

On the outside, I looked the same, a Muslim woman in hijab, living quietly under oppressive rule, teaching girls in secret, trying to survive.

But on the inside, I was someone completely different.

I was a follower of Jesus Christ.

I was a Christian.

I belonged to him and no one knew.

The loneliness of this was crushing sometimes.

I had found the most important thing in my life, the most transformative truth I had ever encountered and I could not share it with anyone.

I could not tell my mother that I had found peace.

I could not tell my sister that I had found purpose.

I could not tell my students that I had found hope.

I had to carry it all alone, locked inside my heart, shared only with Jesus in whispered prayers when no one was listening.

But he was enough.

That is what I learned during those months.

Jesus was enough.

Even without a church, even without other believers, even without fellowship or community or anyone to encourage me, he was enough.

His word was enough.

His presence was enough.

When I prayed, he was there.

When I read scripture, he spoke.

When I was afraid, he gave peace.

When I was weak, he gave strength.

I was alone, but I was not alone.

I was hidden, but I was seen.

I was in darkness, but I had light.

There was one particular night I remember.

It was late June.

The heat was oppressive.

I could not sleep.

I was lying in bed, sweating, anxious about a thousand things.

The secret school was growing too large.

Someone had been asking too many questions about where the girls were going twice a week.

There had been more Taliban raids in our neighborhood.

Everything felt like it was closing in.

I took out my phone and my USB drive.

I put in my earphones.

I needed to hear God’s word.

I needed something to quiet my racing thoughts.

I scrolled through the audio files and randomly selected one.

It was Romans 8.

The reader’s calm voice filled my ears.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I felt my breathing slow.

For the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Free.

I was free even though I lived in one of the most oppressive places on earth.

Even though I could not speak my faith, even though I was trapped in every physical way, I was free.

My spirit was free.

Christ had set me free.

The reading continued, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

” I started crying, silent tears running down my face in the darkness.

Nothing could separate me from God’s love.

Not the Taliban, not persecution, not even death.

Nothing.

God loved me.

Jesus loved me.

And that love was unbreakable.

No one could take it away.

No one could destroy it.

It was mine forever.

I listened to that chapter three times that night.

By the third time, the anxiety had drained away.

The fear was still there.

But underneath it was something stronger.

Peace, confidence, certainty.

Whatever happened, I was held by God.

I was loved by Christ.

I was secure in him.

And that was all that mattered.

July came.

The heat was unbearable.

The city felt like an oven.

But life continued.

The secret school met twice a week.

I taught the girl.

We rotated locations.

We stayed careful.

I prayed constantly for protection, for wisdom, for God to hide us from those who would destroy us.

During this time, I also began praying something new.

I began praying for other Afghan believers.

I knew I could not be the only one.

Somewhere in this country, there had to be others who had found Jesus, others who were living in secret, others who were hiding their faith.

I did not know who they were.

I did not know where they were, but I prayed for them.

I prayed that God would protect them.

I prayed that somehow, someday we would find each other, that we would not have to be alone anymore.

I did not know then that such a network existed.

I did not know that there were underground churches meeting in secret all across Afghanistan.

I did not know that there were believers who had been following Jesus for years, who had created safe ways to communicate, who helped each other survive.

I did not know any of this, but I prayed for it and God heard.

It was in August that I made a decision that would change everything.

I decided to download more Christian materials onto my USB drive.

Not just the audio Bible, but other things, sermons, teachings, worship music.

I found websites that had these things available in Farsy.

I spent several nights downloading as much as I could fit onto the small USB drive.

This was foolish.

I know that now.

The more content I had, the more evidence there was against me.

But at the time, I was hungry, starving for more of God.

The Bible alone was wonderful, but I wanted to hear from other believers.

I wanted to hear how other people understood scripture.

I wanted to learn more about how to follow Jesus.

So, I filled the USB drive with as much as I could find.

Among the things I downloaded was worship music.

I had never heard Christian worship before.

In Islam, music is forbidden by the Taliban and even before them, many considered it haram.

But I found Farsy Christian worship songs and I downloaded them.

And one night I listened with my earphones in the darkness.

The songs were beautiful.

They were about Jesus, about his love, about his sacrifice, about his worthiness.

The voices singing were filled with joy and passion and devotion.

I had never heard people sing about God this way, with such intimacy, such freedom, such love.

I started crying again.

I seemed to cry a lot during those months, but these were good tears, healing tears.

The worship music touched something deep inside me.

It gave voice to feelings I had but could not express.

When the singers sang, “I love you, Jesus,” I sang along in whispers.

When they sang, “You are worthy,” I agreed with my whole heart.

When they sang, “Thank you for saving me,” I meant it with every fiber of my being.

Music became another part of my secret worship.

Along with prayer and Bible reading and memorization, I would listen to worship songs quietly, carefully, always aware that if anyone heard, I would have to explain.

But in those private moments with Jesus, the music lifted my soul.

It reminded me that I was part of something bigger than myself.

that somewhere in the world there were millions of people singing these same songs, worshiping the same Jesus, part of the same family.

I was isolated physically, but spiritually I was connected to the global body of Christ.

I belonged.

But with all this downloaded content, the USB drive became even more dangerous.

It was no longer just a Bible.

It was proof of active engagement with Christianity.

It was proof that I was not just curious but committed.

If anyone found it, there would be no explaining it away.

It would be immediate evidence of apostasy.

I should have been more careful.

I should have hidden it better.

I should have been more vigilant about who was around when I used it.

But I was getting comfortable, complacent.

Six months had passed without incident.

I started to feel like maybe I was safe.

Maybe God was protecting me in such a way that I would never be discovered.

Maybe I could keep living this double life indefinitely.

This was foolish thinking, pride maybe, or just naive hope.

Whatever it was, it made me careless.

And carelessness in Afghanistan under the Taliban is deadly.

I do not know exactly when it happened.

I do not know the exact moment when someone saw something they should not have seen.

But it happened somehow somewhere.

Someone noticed something.

Maybe it was the way I prayed differently when I thought I was alone.

Maybe it was something I said that raised questions.

Maybe someone saw me with the USB drive.

Maybe someone hacked into the Wi-Fi I was using and saw my browsing history.

Maybe it was just an informant who suspected and watched and waited for proof.

I do not know.

I will probably never know.

But someone discovered my secret.

And someone reported me to the Taliban.

There were small signs looking back.

Things I noticed but dismissed.

A neighbor who started asking odd questions about my family.

someone who appeared on our street at unusual times.

A feeling of being watched that I could not shake.

But I ignored these signs.

I told myself I was being paranoid.

I told myself everything was fine.

It was not fine.

It was the first week of September 2023 when my world fell apart.

But before I tell you about that day, I want you to understand something.

I want you to understand that even knowing what was coming, even knowing the price I would pay, I would make the same choice again.

Finding Jesus was worth everything.

Knowing him was worth any cost.

The peace I had found, the truth I had discovered, the love I had experienced.

These things were more valuable than life itself.

When you find something worth dying for, you also find something worth living for.

Jesus was both for me.

He was worth dying for.

And because of him, my life finally had meaning.

My existence finally had purpose.

I was no longer just surviving.

I was living, really living, even in secret, even in hiding, even in constant fear.

I was more alive in those months than I had been in all the years before.

So when the knock came on my door that September morning when the Taliban burst into my home and my secret life was ripped open for everyone to see, I was terrified.

But I was also in some deep way ready.

God had been preparing me.

Every verse I had memorized, every prayer I had whispered, every night listening to his word, all of it had been preparing me for what was coming.

I did not know I would survive.

I did not expect to survive.

The sentence for apostasy is death, and the Taliban do not show mercy.

But I knew that even if they killed my body, they could not kill my soul.

Even if they took my life, they could not take my faith.

Even if they silenced my voice, they could not silence the truth.

Jesus was real.

Jesus was Lord.

Jesus had saved me.

And nothing, not the Taliban, not prison, not torture, not even death could change that.

This was what I held on to when they came for me.

This was the truth that would carry me through the darkness ahead.

This was the light that would not go out no matter how hard they tried to extinguish it.

The storm was here, but I was not alone in it.

The Lord was my shepherd, and he was about to walk with me through the valley of the shadow of death.

asked three.

The raid and the accusation September 7th, 2023.

I will remember that date for the rest of my life.

The morning started normally.

I woke before dawn for what would have been the fajger prayer.

But instead of facing Mecca, I knelt by my bed and whispered prayers to Jesus.

This had become my routine.

I prayed for my family.

I prayed for the girls in the secret school.

I prayed for protection.

I prayed for wisdom.

I prayed for other believers hiding in Afghanistan.

I thanked Jesus for another day.

I asked him to guide my steps.

I had no idea it would be my last morning of freedom.

After prayers, I helped my mother prepare breakfast.

My father and brother ate quickly and left for the shop they ran together, selling fabric and household goods.

My younger sister had gone to stay with our aunt for a few days.

It was just my mother and me in the house that morning.

We ate bread and tea.

We talked about ordinary things, what to cook for dinner, whether we needed to buy more rice.

My mother mentioned that the neighbor’s daughter was getting married next week.

Normal conversation, normal life.

After breakfast, I went to my room.

We had a school session planned for that afternoon.

I needed to prepare the lesson.

I was going to teach the girls about poetry again.

We were reading classical Persian poets.

This was safe material.

The Taliban approved of these old Islamic poets.

But I tried to use their poems to teach the girls about metaphor, about symbolism, about reading between the lines, about finding hidden meanings.

It felt appropriate given that my whole life had become an exercise in hidden meanings.

I had been in my room for maybe 30 minutes when I heard it.

The sound that every Afghan has learned to fear.

Trucks.

Multiple trucks stopping outside.

Heavy boots hitting the ground.

Men’s voices shouting.

My blood went cold.

My first thought was that they were going to another house on our street.

We had seen this before.

The Taliban did regular raids, looking for people they suspected of various crimes.

Working for the former government, hiding foreigners, owning forbidden items.

Usually, they were looking for men.

Women were not often their targets.

I prayed they would pass by our house.

Then came the pounding on our door, fists hammering against wood, voices shouting, “Open! Taliban! Open this door now!” My mother screamed.

I heard her running to the door.

I heard her calling for my father, forgetting he was not home.

I stood frozen in my room, my heart hammering so hard I thought it might break through my chest.

My mind was racing.

Why were they here? What did they want? Had they discovered the secret school? Had someone reported us for teaching girls? That must be it.

That had to be it.

But maybe we could explain.

Maybe we could say we were teaching Quran.

Maybe we could talk our way out of this.

I heard my mother open the door.

I heard men pushing past her, their boots heavy on our floor.

I heard her crying, asking what was happening, what they wanted.

No one answered her.

They were searching.

I could hear them in the other rooms opening doors, overturning furniture.

Then my door burst open.

Two Taliban fighters stood there, both armed with rifles.

They were young, maybe early 20s, with long beards and turbons and hard eyes.

One of them pointed at me.

You out here now.

My legs barely held me.

I walked out of my room into our main living area.

There were five or six Taliban fighters in our house.

They had already started tearing everything apart.

Cushions thrown on the floor, cabinets opened and emptied, our belongings scattered everywhere.

My mother was against the wall, her hands over her mouth, tears streaming down her face.

A commander stood in the center of our living room.

He was older than the others, maybe 40, with a thick black beard and cold eyes.

He looked at me with disgust.

“This one?” he asked.

One of the fighters nodded.

Yes, commander.

This is the teacher.

So they knew about the school.

Someone had told them.

My mind spun.

Who? Which neighbor? Which family member of one of the girls? Who had betrayed us? The commander turned to me.

You have been teaching girls illegally.

You have been corrupting them with forbidden knowledge.

Where are your materials? I tried to speak but my voice came out as a whisper.

I teach Quran, Islamic studies, nothing forbidden.

Liar.

He stepped closer to me.

We know what you teach.

We know you fill their heads with ideas above their station.

You teach them things women should not know.

So this was about the school.

Relief flooded through me.

If they only knew about the school, I could survive this.

We would be punished, yes, maybe imprisoned, maybe beaten, but not killed, not executed.

They would not execute someone for teaching literacy.

But then everything changed.

Search her room, the commander ordered.

Find everything.

Books, papers, electronics, everything.

Three fighters went into my room.

I heard them destroying it, ripping apart my bed, emptying my drawers, breaking my furniture, and I suddenly remembered the USB drive.

Where had I left it? I tried to remember.

I had used it last night listening to worship music before sleep.

I had hidden it afterward, but where? In the cloth bag inside the box of sanitary supplies.

That was the usual place.

But had I put it back there, or had I been tired and careless had I left it somewhere visible? Time seemed to stop.

I stood there, my mother crying against the wall, the commander staring at me with hatred, and I prayed desperately in my mind.

Jesus, please.

Please let them not find it.

Please hide it.

Please protect it.

The sounds from my room continued.

Crash.

Bang.

Ripping fabric.

Breaking wood.

Then silence.

Then one of the fighters emerged holding something small in his hand.

The USB drive.

My heart stopped.

Commander found this hidden in her belongings.

The commander took it.

He looked at it then at me.

What is on this? I could not speak.

My throat had closed.

My mind was screaming.

I could lie.

I could say I did not know.

I could say it was not mine.

I could say it was just music or family photos or school materials.

I could try to talk my way out of this.

But something in his eyes told me he already knew.

This was not a random raid.

They had not come here looking for evidence.

They had come here because they already had evidence.

Someone had told them exactly what to look for.

Someone had told them exactly where I kept it.

The commander walked to the corner where one of the fighters had a laptop.

They must have brought it specifically for this purpose.

He inserted the USB drive.

He opened it.

He clicked through the files.

I watched his face change.

The disgust deepened into rage.

What is this? His voice was quiet.

Deadly quiet.

What are these files? I still could not speak.

He clicked more, found the audio Bible, played a few seconds.

The calm voice speaking Farsy reading scripture.

He stopped it.

Clicked more.

Found the worship music.

Played a few seconds.

Voices singing Jesus we worship you.

He stopped it.

His face had gone red.

He turned to me slowly.

You have kafir scripture.

You have Christian propaganda.

You have music worshiping their false god.

Each word came out like a stone.

You are an apostate.

The word hung in the air.

Apostate.

Myrtad in our language.

The worst accusation that could be made against a Muslim.

Punishable by death.

My mother collapsed.

She slid down the wall wailing.

She had not known.

She had no idea about any of this.

The shock was destroying her.

“No,” I whispered.

“Please, I silence.

” The commander crossed the room in two strides and slapped me across the face.

I fell to the floor.

My cheek exploded in pain.

My ear rang.

I tasted blood.

“You dare speak?” He stood over me.

“You will speak when we tell you to speak.

You will answer what we ask.

Do you understand?” I nodded, still on the floor, my face throbbing.

He turned to his men.

Search everything else.

Find all evidence.

I want to know who else is involved.

They continued destroying our house.

They found my phone.

They went through it right there.

They found the downloaded Bible app, though I had tried to hide it in a folder.

They found the browsing history I thought I had deleted.

evidence of visiting Christian websites, reading about Jesus, watching videos about Christianity.

They found my notebooks.

I had written things down.

Verses I was memorizing.

Prayers I had written to Jesus.

Thoughts about faith.

All of it in hidden notebooks coded in ways I thought were clever.

But it was not hidden enough.

They found it all.

With each discovery, the commander’s face grew darker.

This was not just a woman who had been curious about Christianity.

This was active conversion, active faith, active worship.

This was complete apostasy.

Then one of the fighters said something that made everything worse.

Commander, there are reports she has been teaching the girls about this, converting them.

I wanted to scream.

This was not true.

I had never spoken to the girls about Jesus.

Never.

I had been so careful.

I had kept my faith completely separate from the school.

But someone had lied.

Someone had added this accusation to make everything worse.

The commander turned back to me.

You have been spreading this poison to children, to innocent Muslim girls.

No, I found my voice.

No, I never I never spoke to them about Christianity.

Never.

I only taught them literacy, mathematics, poetry, Islamic materials.

Never more lies.

He kicked me in the ribs.

I gasped, curled up on the floor, pain shooting through my side.

We have a witness.

Someone who heard you speak about your false prophet to the girls.

someone who heard you plant doubts about Islam in their minds.

This was impossible.

I had never done this.

The witness was lying.

But who would believe me? My word against their witness.

My word against the evidence on the USB drive and the phone and the notebooks.

I was already condemned.

They dragged me to my feet.

My mother was still wailing.

incomprehensible words, prayers, please.

They ignored her.

The commander grabbed my face, forced me to look at him.

You will come with us.

You will answer for your crimes.

You will face justice.

Justice? That word in his mouth was like acid.

There would be no justice.

There would only be punishment.

They bound my hands behind my back with rough rope.

They threw a blanket over me, covering me completely.

This was how they transported female prisoners hidden from sight like we were shameful cargo.

They dragged me toward the door.

I could hear my mother screaming my name, begging them to stop, asking what was happening.

I heard one of the fighters tell her that her daughter was an apostate, a traitor to Islam, and that the family should be ashamed.

As they pulled me out of the house, I saw neighbors gathering.

Word had spread quickly.

Taliban raid.

Some people looked sympathetic.

Others looked satisfied.

This is what happens to women who step out of line.

This is what happens to those who betray the faith.

Let this be a lesson.

They threw me into the back of a truck.

I landed hard on the metal floor.

Two guards climbed in with me.

The truck started moving.

Through the gap in the blanket, I could see the sky, blue and clear and indifferent.

I thought about my mother back in our destroyed house.

About my father who would return to find his daughter arrested.

about my sister who would hear the news, about the girls in the secret school who would never see me again, about my life that had just ended.

The drive was not long, maybe 20 minutes.

They took me to a compound on the edge of the city.

I had heard of this place.

Everyone had heard of it.

It was where the Taliban took people who were accused of serious crimes.

Few people who entered this place ever left.

They pulled me from the truck, still covered, and dragged me inside, down corridors, through doors, finally into a room where they ripped the blanket off and pushed me to the floor.

The room was bare.

Concrete walls, no windows, one harsh light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

Three men sat on chairs.

The commander from my house was one of them.

What followed was not a conversation.

It was an interrogation.

They asked me when I had become a Christian.

I said I had not.

They showed me the evidence from the USB drive.

They asked who had converted me.

I said no one.

They asked who else was involved.

I said no one.

They asked where I got the Christian materials.

I said the internet.

They asked who I had shared them with.

I said no one.

They did not believe me.

They thought I was part of a network, part of a Christian cell working to convert Muslims.

They thought there were others.

They wanted names, locations, proof of a conspiracy.

There was no conspiracy.

There was only me.

One woman alone who had found Jesus on her own through the internet and prayer.

But they could not accept this.

It was too simple, too small.

They wanted something bigger.

When questions did not work, they used other methods.

One of them hit me than another.

They were systematic about it.

They knew how to cause pain without causing visible damage too quickly.

They hit my sides, my back, my legs, places that would bruise but not break.

They pulled my hair.

They twisted my arms.

They wanted me to confess to converting the girls, to being part of a network, to conspiracy against Islam, but I had nothing to confess except the truth.

I had found Jesus alone.

I had told no one, and the girls knew nothing.

When I would not give them what they wanted, the beating got worse.

They slapped my face until my ears rang.

They hit my back with something hard, maybe a rod or a belt.

Each blow sent fire through my body.

I tried not to cry out.

I did not want to give them that satisfaction.

But eventually, the pain was too much.

I cried.

I begged them to stop.

They did not stop.

Finally, when I was curled on the floor, when I could barely move from the pain, when blood was running from my nose and my mouth, they stopped.

The commander crouched down beside me.

Tomorrow you will go before the judge.

He said, “You will answer for your apostasy.

You will face justice according to Sharia law, and you will receive what all apostates deserve.

” They dragged me out of that room and down more corridors.

Other women were here, too.

I could hear them, some crying, some praying, some silent.

They threw me into a cell, a small room with concrete floors and walls.

There was nothing in it.

No bed, no blanket, no light except what came from a small barred window high on the wall.

The door slammed shut behind me.

I heard the lock turn.

I lay on the cold floor.

Every part of my body hurt.

My ribs felt cracked.

My face was swollen.

My back was on fire.

I could taste blood.

I was alone in the darkness.

And I knew what was coming tomorrow.

I knew the sentence for apostasy.

I knew what they did to women who left Islam.

I had heard the stories.

Public execution.

sometimes hanging, sometimes stoning, always brutal, always meant to terrify others into obedience.

I was going to die.

The certainty of it settled over me like a heavy blanket.

I was going to die and soon, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The fear was overwhelming.

It crashed over me in waves.

Fear of pain, fear of death, fear of dying that way.

stoned, humiliated, destroyed in public while people watched.

I had read about martyrs in the Bible, about Steven being stoned, about Peter being crucified, about Christians throughout history who had died for their faith.

I had read their stories and been inspired by their courage.

But now facing it myself, I did not feel courageous.

I felt terrified.

I tried to pray but the words would not come.

My mind was too full of fear.

My body hurt too much.

I lay there shaking, crying, unable to do anything but feel the crushing weight of what was happening.

Then from somewhere deep inside, words came, not my words.

Words I had memorized.

Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I whispered it into the darkness.

My voice was broken and horsearo, but I whispered it.

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

As I spoke the words, something shifted.

The fear was still there.

The pain was still there.

But something else entered the cell with me.

Peace.

Not happiness, not relief, but peace.

deep unexplainable peace.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

The valley of the shadow of death.

I was in it right now.

This cell was that valley, but Jesus was with me.

He had not abandoned me.

He had not left me.

He was here in this darkness with me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil.

My cup overflows.

My enemies had beaten me, had arrested me, had condemned me.

But Jesus was still with me, still caring for me, still loving me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Forever.

Death was not the end.

Even if they killed me tomorrow, it was not the end.

I would dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Heaven was waiting.

Jesus was waiting.

This suffering was temporary.

Eternity was forever.

I repeated the psalm again and again.

Each time the peace grew stronger.

Each time the fear became smaller, not gone.

I was still afraid but manageable, bearable.

I was not alone.

That was the truth that kept me from falling apart completely.

I was not alone.

I do not know how long I lay there praying.

Eventually, exhaustion took over.

I fell into a painful sleep on the cold concrete floor.

I woke to the sound of the cell door opening.

Light flooded in, harsh and blinding.

Two guards stood there.

Get up.

Time to face the judge.

My body screamed in protest as I tried to stand.

Everything hurt, but I managed to get to my feet.

They bound my hands again.

They put the blanket over me again.

They led me out of the cell and through corridors and into a truck.

The ride was short.

They took me to another compound.

This one looked more official, administrative.

They dragged me inside through hallways into a large room.

They removed the blanket.

The room was set up like a courtroom, a long table at one end where three men sat, all with long beards, all in Taliban dress, all looking at me with hatred.

These were the judges.

Along the walls were more Taliban fighters, armed, watching.

I was the only woman in the room.

I stood in the center, hands bound, facing the judges.

There was no lawyer for me, no defender, no advocate.

This was not a trial in any real sense.

This was a formality, a religious proceeding to justify what they had already decided to do.

The center judge spoke.

He was old, maybe 60, with a white beard and small, cold eyes.

You are N Jan, daughter of Ahmad.

Yes, my voice was barely a whisper.

You are accused of apostasy, of leaving Islam and following the Christian faith, of possessing coffer scripture with intent to corrupt, of attempting to convert Muslim girls to Christianity.

How do you answer? This was the moment.

I could lie.

I could deny everything.

I could claim the USB drive was not mine.

That I was only curious that I never truly believed that I was still Muslim.

If I lied convincingly enough, maybe they would reduce the sentence.

Maybe I would only be imprisoned.

Maybe I would live.

But even as I thought this, I knew I could not do it.

I could not deny Jesus.

He had saved me.

He had given me life.

He had been with me through everything.

How could I deny him now to save my own life? I thought of what Jesus said.

Whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my father who is in heaven.

I thought of Peter who had denied Jesus three times and wept bitterly.

I thought of all the martyrs who had refused to deny their Lord even facing death.

And I thought of what Jesus had done for me.

He had died for me.

The least I could do was be honest about him.

Now I lifted my head.

I looked at the judge.

I spoke clearly.

I have read the Bible.

I have prayed to Jesus.

I believe he is the son of God.

I believe he died for my sins and rose again.

I follow him.

Gasps filled the room.

The judge’s face turned dark red.

Even the guards looked shocked.

Women did not speak this way.

Women did not confess apostasy openly.

I was supposed to beg, to deny, to try to save myself.

But I had told the truth.

And despite the fear, despite knowing what would come next, I felt something like relief.

I had spoken his name.

I had confessed him.

Whatever happened now, I had been faithful.

And the girls, the judge demanded, “Did you speak to them of this false religion?” “No, this was also truth.

I never spoke to them about Christianity.

I only taught them literacy and mathematics.

They knew nothing of my faith.

We have a witness who says otherwise.

” Your witness is lying.

I said it firmly.

I would never put those girls in danger.

They knew nothing.

The judge did not care.

He conferred with the two men beside him.

They spoke in low voices, but I knew what they were deciding.

There was only one sentence for open apostasy.

After a few minutes, the center judge looked back at me.

His voice was cold and formal.

You have confessed to apostasy.

You have admitted to possessing and using Christian scripture.

You have admitted to abandoning Islam and following a false religion.

The sentence is clear.

According to Sharia law, according to the Quran and the Hadith, the punishment for apostasy is death.

The room went silent.

My knees went weak, but I forced myself to stay standing.

The judge continued, “You will be executed by stoning.

This will take place in 7 days.

You will be given time to repent and return to Islam.

If you do, you may live.

If you refuse, the sentence will be carried out.

Take her away.

7 days.

I had seven days to live.

Unless I denied Jesus.

Unless I recanted my faith.

Unless I chose to lie and survive.

The guards grabbed me.

They covered me with the blanket again.

They dragged me back to the truck.

The drive back to the prison compound felt unreal, like I was watching it happen to someone else.

I had just been sentenced to death, to stoning.

One of the most brutal, painful ways to die, and I had 7 days.

They threw me back in the same cell.

The door slammed.

The lock turned.

I was alone again in the darkness.

This time, the fear was different.

more specific, more visceral.

Stoning.

I knew what that meant.

Being buried up to your waist in a pit.

Stones thrown at your head and body until you died.

It could take minutes.

It could take longer.

It was designed to be slow, to be public, to be terrifying.

I collapsed on the floor.

I shook.

I cried.

I begged Jesus to help me.

I was not ready to die.

I did not want to die, especially not that way.

I wanted to live.

I wanted to see my family again.

I wanted to escape somehow.

I wanted a miracle.

Jesus, please.

I prayed through tears.

Please save me.

Please deliver me.

I do not want to die this way.

Please, if there is any other way, please save me.

I prayed like this for hours, begging, pleading, crying.

The fear was consuming me.

But slowly as the hours passed, something else began to emerge through the fear.

Surrender, acceptance, not of death necessarily, but of God’s will, whatever that was.

I remembered Jesus in Gethsemane on the night before his crucifixion, praying, “Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me.

Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.

He had been afraid, too.

He had wanted to escape, too.

But he had surrendered to the father’s will.

Could I do the same? I began to pray differently.

Jesus, I am afraid.

I do not want to die, but I trust you.

Your will be done.

If you want me to live, deliver me.

If you want me to die, give me strength.

Either way, I am yours.

I belong to you.

Do with me whatever brings you glory.

This prayer did not take away the fear, but it gave me something to hold on to.

A center, a foundation.

God was sovereign.

God was good.

Whatever happened, he was in control.

I could trust him even with my life, even with my death.

I spent that whole first day in prayer, praying, quoting scripture, singing worship songs quietly to myself.

The guards probably thought I was going crazy.

Maybe I was.

But worship was the only thing that kept me sane.

Night fell.

The cell grew darker.

I was cold, hungry, thirsty, in pain.

But I kept praying.

I remembered Romans 8 again.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Not imprisonment, not beatings, not even death.

His love was with me.

That was enough.

Days two and three passed in a blur.

The guards brought me minimal food, stale bread, water.

No one spoke to me.

I was left alone with my thoughts and my prayers.

I continued quoting scripture, continued worshiping, continued surrendering my fear to God.

On day three, they offered me the chance to recant.

A moola came to my cell, an Islamic teacher.

He sat outside the bars and tried to convince me to return to Islam.

He told me I was young.

I had been deceived.

If I came back to the true faith, I could live.

I could marry, have children, have a life.

All I had to do was renounce Jesus and recite the shahada, the Islamic declaration of faith.

I listened politely.

Then I said, “Thank you for your concern, but I cannot deny Jesus Christ.

He is the truth.

He is my savior.

I cannot deny him.

” The mulla got angry.

He called me foolish.

He called me deceived by Satan.

He said I would burn in hell for eternity.

Then he left.

I never saw him again.

On day four, something happened that would change everything, though I did not know it then.

There was a guard assigned to watch the cells.

His name was Rasheed.

I learned this later.

He was young, maybe 22 or 23.

He had been with the Taliban since he was a teenager.

Recruited from a rural area, taught that the West and Christianity were the enemies of Islam.

He believed everything they taught him.

He was a true believer.

His duty included checking on prisoners throughout the night, making sure no one tried to escape or hurt themselves.

He would walk the corridor every few hours, looking into each cell through the small window in the door.

On night four, around 2:00 in the morning, Rasheed did his check.

When he reached my cell, he stopped.

He looked through the window.

What he saw confused him.

I was on my knees in the center of the cell.

My hands were raised.

My eyes were closed.

I was praying but I was not praying like a Muslim.

I was not facing Mecca.

I was not doing the prescribed movements.

I was simply kneeling with hands raised speaking quietly.

Rasheed listened.

He heard me speaking but not in Arabic in Farsy my own language.

And I was speaking to Jesus calling him Lord thanking him asking for strength worshiping him.

This disturbed Rasheed.

He had been taught that Christians were evil, that they worshiped three gods, that they had corrupted the truth.

But this woman, condemned to die, beaten and imprisoned, was praying with such peace, such sincerity, such faith.

He walked away confused.

But he could not stop thinking about it.

Act four.

The presence in the darkness day five arrived.

Two more days until execution.

The fear came and went in waves.

Sometimes I felt strong, held by God’s peace.

Other times the terror overwhelmed me and I could barely breathe.

I would imagine the stones, the pain, the crowd watching, the humiliation, my mother seeing her daughter killed and the fear would crush me.

But then I would remember Jesus.

I would quote scripture.

I would sing worship songs and the peace would return.

Not perfect peace, not the absence of fear, but enough peace to keep breathing, keep praying, keep trusting.

The physical conditions were deteriorating.

I had not washed in days.

My clothes were filthy.

The cell was cold at night, hot during the day.

The food was barely enough to keep me alive.

My body was weak.

The bruises from the beating were painful.

I was losing weight, getting weaker, but my spirit was somehow getting stronger.

That is the mystery of God.

When the body fails, he strengthens the spirit.

When circumstances are worst, his presence is most real.

Other prisoners were in cells near mine.

I could hear them sometimes crying, praying Muslim prayers, calling out for help.

One woman screamed for hours.

Another banged on her door until the guards beat her into silence.

The sounds of suffering were constant.

I tried to pray for them.

Even though I did not know them, even though they probably would not accept prayers from an apostate, I prayed that God would comfort them, help them, save them.

On night five, Rasheed made his check again.

Around 3:00 in the morning, when he looked into my cell, he froze.

I was praying again on my knees, head bowed, hands raised, whispering worship to Jesus.

But this time, Rasheed saw something he could not explain.

Light, soft, golden light surrounding me.

Not from any source he could identify, not from the small window.

It was the middle of the night, not from outside the cell.

The light seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere.

It filled the cell with a gentle glow.

Rashid blinked, rubbed his eyes, looked again.

The light was still there, and as he watched, he saw what looked like figures, shadowy, but present, standing around me, not threatening, protective, like guards, but not human guards, something else.

Fear shot through him.

His first thought was, “Jinn, demons from Islamic teaching.

Was this woman practicing witchcraft? Was she summoning evil spirits? But the light was not dark.

It was warm, beautiful even.

And the figures did not feel evil.

They felt holy.

Rasheed stumbled backward from the door.

His heart was racing.

He did not know what he had seen.

He told himself it was exhaustion, lack of sleep, his eyes playing tricks.

But he could not shake the image, could not forget the light.

He went to his commander the next morning, told him what he had seen.

The commander laughed, told him he was seeing things, told him not to be foolish, told him to get more sleep.

But Rasheed knew what he had seen.

It was real.

Day six came.

One day left, one day until my execution.

The reality of it was crushing.

Tomorrow afternoon, I would be taken to a field outside the city.

A pit would be dug.

I would be placed in it, buried to my waist.

Religious charges would be read.

And then people, maybe even people I knew, would throw stones at me until I died.

I could barely think about it without vomiting from fear.

I prayed constantly.

Jesus, if you want me to live, please deliver me.

Please perform a miracle.

Please save me.

But I also prayed, “Your will be done.

If you want me to come home to you this way, give me strength.

Help me honor you even in death.

” I thought about my family.

My mother who knew nothing of my faith until the arrest.

How was she handling this? My father who had always been kind to me.

My sister, what would they think when they watched me die? Would they hate me? Would they understand someday? I thought about the girls from the secret school.

They were safe.

I had never mentioned Jesus to them, so they could not be accused.

But what would happen to them now? Would they find another teacher? Would they get to learn? Or would they be married off young? Their minds closed, their potential wasted.

I thought about other Afghan believers, the ones I had prayed for but never met.

Were they watching this? Would my death discourage them or encourage them? I prayed it would encourage them.

I prayed they would see that Jesus was worth dying for.

That sixth night was the longest of my life.

I could not sleep, could not stop thinking about tomorrow.

The fear was like a physical weight on my chest.

I paced the small cell.

I prayed.

I cried.

I quoted every verse I could remember.

I sang every worship song I knew.

I did everything I could to keep from falling apart.

Around midnight, I finally collapsed on the floor, exhausted, terrified.

I whispered one more time, “Jesus, I am so afraid.

Please be with me.

Please do not leave me.

” and he answered, not with words, not with a voice, but with presence.

Suddenly, overwhelmingly, I felt him in the cell with me, closer than he had ever felt before, like he was physically standing beside me.

Like if I opened my eyes, I would see him.

The fear did not disappear, but it was swallowed up by something bigger.

Love.

Immense, powerful, unshakable love.

I felt loved in a way I had never felt loved before.

Completely, perfectly, eternally.

And I heard in my spirit, not with my ears, but with my heart, “I am with you.

I will never leave you.

Do not be afraid.

” Tears streamed down my face.

But they were different tears.

Not fear, tears.

Something else.

Joy mixed with sorrow.

Peace mixed with pain.

I lay on that cold floor and I worshiped.

I thanked him for being with me.

I surrendered everything.

My life, my death, my fear, my hope, all of it.

Do with me whatever brings you glory.

I prayed, I am yours, completely yours.

And in that moment, I found something I did not expect.

I found that I meant it.

I truly meant it.

Death was no longer the worst thing that could happen.

Denying Christ would be worse.

Losing him would be worse.

If he was asking me to die for him, then I would die for him because he had already died for me.

The peace that filled me then was supernatural.

It made no sense.

I was hours away from execution.

But I felt peace.

Deep.

Unshakable peace.

Around 3:00 a.

m.

, Rasheed made his rounds again.

When he reached my cell, what he saw terrified him and amazed him at the same time.

The entire cell was filled with light.

Brilliant, golden, overwhelming light.

And in the center, I was kneeling, head bowed, praying.

But I was not alone.

Standing behind me with hands on my shoulders was a figure tall, dressed in white, face too bright to see clearly, and all around the cell were other figures.

10, maybe more, all in white, all glowing, all standing guard.

The light was so bright that Rasheed had to shield his eyes.

He stumbled backward, his rifle clattering to the ground.

His heart felt like it would explode.

Every instinct screamed at him to run.

This was impossible.

This was not real.

But it was real.

He was seeing it with his own eyes.

And then he heard a voice.

Not from me.

From the figure standing behind me.

The voice was not loud, but it filled everything.

It filled the corridor.

It filled Rasheed’s mind.

It filled his soul.

She is mine.

just those three words, but they carried such weight, such authority, such power.

Rasheed felt his knees buckle.

He fell to the ground, unable to stand, unable to look at the light anymore, unable to do anything but kneel.

He did not know how long he knelt there.

Maybe seconds, maybe minutes.

When he finally looked up again, the light was fading.

The figures were disappearing.

I was still there, still praying, seemingly unaware of what he had witnessed.

But Rasheed knew.

He knew with absolute certainty.

Whatever he had been taught about Christians, whatever he believed about Islam being the only truth, whatever he thought he knew about God, all of it was shaken.

Because he had just seen something that could not be explained, something that could only be divine.

He picked up his rifle with shaking hands.

He stumbled away from my cell.

He sat in a corner of the corridor, head in his hands, trying to process what had happened.

His entire worldview was crumbling.

The God he thought he served, the faith he thought was true.

Everything was being challenged by what he had just witnessed.

He knew one thing for certain.

This woman was protected by something more powerful than the Taliban, more powerful than anything he had ever encountered.

and whatever was protecting her was real.

Inside my cell, I continued praying.

I had felt the presence intensify.

I had felt surrounded, protected, held.

I did not see what Rasheed saw, but I felt it.

I knew angels were there.

I knew Jesus was there.

I knew I was not alone.

And I knew that whatever happened tomorrow, it was going to be okay.

If I lived, praise God.

If I died, I was going home.

Either way, I won.

Morning came too quickly.

Day seven, execution day.

Guards brought me water, told me to prepare myself.

The execution would be midafter afternoon.

They asked one final time if I wanted to recant, if I wanted to return to Islam and live.

I looked at them and said clearly, “I follow Jesus Christ.

He is my Lord and Savior.

I will not deny him.

They shook their heads, called me foolish, called me deceived.

Then they left.

I spent the morning praying.

I prayed for my family, for the girls, for Afghanistan, for Rasheed, the guard whose life I knew had been touched by God.

I prayed for my executioners as Jesus commanded.

I even prayed for the Taliban that somehow God would reach them.

And I prayed for strength, not to escape death, but to face it well, to die in a way that honored Jesus, to be faithful to the end.

Around noon, Rasheed appeared at my cell.

He looked different, shaken, uncertain.

He glanced around to make sure no other guards were nearby.

Then he whispered through the bars, “What did I see last night?” I looked at him.

I do not know what you saw, but I know who was there.

Jesus Christ and his angels, the man standing behind you.

Who was he? My Lord, my savior, the son of God.

Rasheed shook his head.

I do not understand.

I have been taught all my life that Islam is a truth.

That Christians are kafir, enemies of Allah.

But what I saw that was not from Allah.

That was something else, something more.

That was Jesus, I said gently.

He is real.

He is more real than anything else in this world.

And he loves you, Rasheed, just like he loves me.

They are going to kill you today.

I know.

Are you not afraid? I am terrified, I admitted.

But Jesus is with me.

Even in death, he is with me.

Death is not the end.

It is the beginning.

Rasheed stared at me for a long moment.

Then he said something I will never forget.

I do not know what your Jesus is, but he is more powerful than anything I have ever known.

and I do not think these stones can touch you.

Then he walked away.

I did not know then that his words would prove prophetic.

Around 2 in the afternoon, they came for me.

Multiple guards, they bound my hands.

They covered me with a blanket.

They led me out of the cell, through corridors, into the bright sunlight.

I had not seen the sun in 7 days.

It hurt my eyes.

They put me in a truck.

The drive was longer this time.

Out of the city into the countryside, I could hear other vehicles following a convoy.

They were bringing witnesses, spectators, people who would watch a woman die for leaving Islam.

My heart was pounding.

The fear was back, overwhelming.

My mind screamed at me to fight, to run, to try to escape.

But there was nowhere to run.

I was surrounded by armed Taliban fighters.

I was bound.

I was helpless.

So I prayed.

I whispered Psalm 23 one more time.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

The truck stopped.

They pulled me out, removed the blanket.

I squinted against the sunlight and looked around.

We were in a field, barren, empty, hot under the afternoon sun.

A crowd had gathered, maybe a hundred people, Taliban fighters, religious leaders, local men who had been brought or who had come willingly to witness justice.

And in the front, I saw them.

My family, my mother, father, sister.

They had been forced to come, forced to watch.

My mother was already crying.

My father’s face was like stone.

My sister looked terrified.

Seeing them broke me.

I had been holding it together.

But seeing my mother’s face, seeing the pain there shattered my composure.

I started crying, not from fear of death, but from grief for what I was putting them through.

The Taliban had built a pit, a hole in the ground about waist deep.

This was where I would be placed.

This was where I would die.

They dragged me toward it.

I tried to walk, but my legs barely worked.

Fear had taken over.

Every step was agony, not from physical pain, but from the knowledge of what was coming.

They positioned me at the edge of the pit.

A commander, not the same one from my arrest, someone higher, stood nearby with papers.

He began to read the charges, his voice carried across the field.

This woman, Nur Jan, has been found guilty of apostasy.

She has abandoned Islam.

She has followed the Christian religion.

She has possessed and used their corrupted scriptures.

She has refused to repent according to the law of Allah, according to the Quran and the teachings of the prophet.

Peace be upon him.

The punishment is death.

He continued reading, but I barely heard.

I was praying.

Jesus, into your hands I commit my spirit.

Please receive me.

Please be with my family.

Please let them see you somehow.

Please let this not be in vain.

Then the reading stopped.

The commander looked at me.

Do you have any final words? This was it.

My last chance to speak.

What do you say when you are about to die? I looked at the crowd, at the Taliban fighters, at my family, at all these people gathered to watch a woman be stoned.

And I spoke.

My voice was shaking but clear.

I forgive you.

All of you.

I forgive you for this.

Jesus Christ is Lord.

He died for you.

He rose from the dead.

He is real.

He is the way, the truth, and the life.

And he loves you.

He loves even those who kill his followers.

I pray that you will know him someday.

I pray that you will find the truth.

I am not afraid because I am going to be with Jesus and that is all that matters.

Silence.

complete silence.

No one spoke.

No one moved.

Even the commander seemed stunned that I had used my final words to pray for them.

Then he recovered.

He nodded to the guards.

They pushed me toward the pit.

I was about to step in when everything changed.

A commotion at the edge of the field, shouting, vehicles approaching fast.

Taliban trucks, several of them roaring toward us, horns blaring.

The execution stopped.

Everyone turned.

The trucks screeched to a halt and more Taliban fighters jumped out.

But these were different fighters, different faction, different commander.

An older Taliban leader emerged.

He was shouting at the commander running the execution.

Stop.

Stop this immediately.

What is the meaning of this? The execution commander demanded, “This case is under dispute.

There are questions about jurisdiction, about proper procedure.

This execution cannot proceed until the religious council reviews it.

The council already a different council in Kandahar.

We received word this morning this case must be reviewed.

You have no authority to proceed.

The two commanders began arguing loudly, angrily.

Other Taliban fighters from both groups gathered around them.

The argument escalated.

Weapons were drawn, not pointed at me, but at each other.

Two Taliban factions on the verge of fighting over jurisdiction of my case.

This was insane.

This was impossible.

The Taliban did not fight each other over prisoners.

They did not dispute executions.

This made no sense.

Unless it was not about me at all.

Unless God was moving.

Unless this was divine intervention.

The argument turned into a confrontation.

Shots were fired into the air, people scattered.

The crowd that had gathered to watch the execution was running, trying to get away from the fighting Taliban fighters.

In the chaos, someone grabbed my arm.

Rasheed the guard.

His face was intense.

Run, he whispered.

Run now.

This is your chance.

What? I do not know what your Jesus is doing, but this is him.

I know it is.

Run now.

He pulled me away from the pit, away from the fighting commanders toward the edge of the field.

In the confusion, no one noticed.

Everyone was focused on the confrontation.

Rasheed dragged me behind one of the trucks, then toward a grouping of buildings at the field’s edge.

“Why are you helping me?” I gasped.

“Because I saw him,” Rashid said.

“I saw the light.

I saw the man standing with you.

I do not understand it, but I know it was real.

And I know you need to escape.

I do not know why, but I know, so run.

” He pushed me toward an alley between buildings.

Then he said something that shocked me.

If your Jesus is real, if he can save someone like me, tell him I want to know him.

Then he was gone.

Back toward the chaos, leaving me free.

I ran.

I ran through the alley, my bound hands making me stumble.

Behind me, I could hear shouting, gunfire, chaos.

But no one was chasing me.

Not yet.

God had created confusion and I was escaping in the middle of it.

The alley opened onto a narrow street.

I did not know where I was outside the city in some rural area.

I needed to hide.

Needed to get these bonds off.

Needed to think.

A door was slightly open on my right.

An abandoned building, maybe.

I pushed through it and found myself in an empty room.

I worked frantically at the ropes on my wrists, using my teeth, rubbing against a rough edge of wall.

It took precious minutes, but finally the rope loosened and fell away.

I stood there, free, but trapped, free from bonds, but still in Taliban territory.

Free from execution, but still marked for death.

What now? I heard voices outside, people running.

The chaos from the field was spreading.

I needed to move.

I needed to get farther away before they realized I was gone.

I found a torn blanket in the corner.

I wrapped it around myself, covering my head and face like a burka.

It was filthy, but it made me less recognizable.

Then I stepped back out into the street.

People were running everywhere.

The fighting between Taliban factions had escalated.

This was unprecedented, unheard of.

The Taliban did not fight each other in public like this.

It was as if God had reached down and stirred up confusion just like he did for ancient Israel when their enemies turned on each other.

I walked quickly trying to blend in with others fleeing the chaos.

No one stopped me.

No one looked at me.

I was just another woman escaping violence.

I walked for maybe 20 minutes, getting farther from the field, deeper into unfamiliar streets.

Finally, I stopped, hiding in a doorway, trying to think.

I could not go home.

That would be the first place they looked.

I could not go to friends.

That would endanger them.

I had nowhere to go.

I was alone in an unknown area with no money, no resources, nowhere to hide.

Jesus, I prayed desperately.

You saved me from the stones.

Thank you.

But now what? Where do I go? Please guide me.

Please help me.

I stood there praying and then I heard footsteps.

My heart jumped.

Had they found me already? A woman appeared.

older, maybe 60, wearing full covering.

She looked at me carefully.

Then she spoke quietly.

You are running from something.

It was not a question.

I did not know how she knew, but she knew.

I nodded, unable to speak.

Come with me quickly.

I should have been suspicious.

This could be a trap.

She could be leading me to the Taliban, but I had nowhere else to go.

and something in her eyes seemed kind, trustworthy.

I followed her.

She led me through several streets, always checking to make sure we were not followed.

Finally, we reached a small house.

She opened the door and pulled me inside quickly, shutting and locking it behind us.

“You are safe here,” she said.

“For now.

” “Who are you?” I asked.

She smiled, a surprising warm smile.

My name is Fatima, and you, I think, are the Christian woman who was supposed to die today.

My blood went cold.

How do you News travels fast.

Everyone knew about the execution.

We have been praying, she paused.

We have been praying that God would deliver you.

We, my husband and I, we are believers, followers of Jesus like you.

I stared at her.

You are Christians here? Yes.

Secret Christians like many others in Afghanistan.

You are not alone, sister.

You were never alone.

I started crying from relief, from exhaustion, from the overwhelming realization that I had not been the only one, that there were others, that God had led me to safety, to family, to people who understood.

Fatima embraced me, let me cry on her shoulder.

When I finally calmed down, she brought me water, food, a place to sit.

“Tell me what happened,” she said.

So I told her everything, the arrest, the trial, the cell, the sentence, Rasheed and the lights, the miraculous intervention at the execution, the escape.

She listened with tears in her eyes.

God is good, she whispered when I finished.

He is so good.

He saved you for a purpose, sister.

Her husband came home an hour later.

An older man named Ahmed.

He was also a believer.

When he heard my story, he too wept and praised God.

That night, they contacted others in their network.

I learned that there were hundreds, maybe thousands of secret believers across Afghanistan.

They met in small groups in homes.

They communicated carefully.

They helped each other survive.

They had been doing this for years.

And they had a way to help people escape.

People like me who were discovered, who were marked for death.

They could smuggle people out to Pakistan and from there to other countries where they could be safe.

It will take time, Ahmed warned.

And it is dangerous, but we can get you out.

We can save your life.

What about my family? I asked.

The thought of leaving them was agony.

“They are being watched now,” Fatima said gently.

“The Taliban will monitor them, hoping you contact them.

If you try to reach them, you put them in more danger.

The best thing you can do for them is disappear completely.

Maybe someday when you are safe, you can find a way to send word, but not now.

” It broke my heart, but I knew she was right.

Over the next week, I stayed hidden in their home.

They gave me clean clothes, let me wash, gave me food and rest, let me recover from the trauma.

Other believers visited one or two at a time.

They shared their stories, how they had found Jesus, how they lived in hiding, how they kept faith despite the danger.

I was not alone.

That truth kept overwhelming me.

I was not the only Afghan Christian.

I was part of a family I never knew existed.

A secret church, suffering but alive, hidden but faithful.

During that week, we heard news.

The Taliban were furious about my escape.

They were searching.

They had interrogated my family, but my family knew nothing.

They had questioned people at the execution, but the chaos had been too complete.

No one knew how I had gotten away.

And there was other news.

Rashid, the guard, had disappeared.

Some said he had been killed in the fighting between the factions.

Others said he had deserted.

No one knew for sure.

But I prayed for him.

I prayed that God would find him, save him, just as God had saved me.

On the eighth day in hiding, Ahmed came to me with news.

We have a way out.

There is a route to Pakistan, a smuggler who helps people cross the border.

It is arranged.

You leave tomorrow night.

Tomorrow, I was leaving Afghanistan, leaving my country, my family, everything I knew.

I would probably never return, never see my mother again, never see my home, never teach Afghan girls again, but I would live and I would be free.

Free to worship Jesus openly, free to speak his name, free to live without fear.

Act five, the deliverance and the new life.

The journey out of Afghanistan took 12 days.

12 days of hiding in safe houses, traveling in covered trucks, walking through mountain passes at night, crossing the border hidden among legitimate travelers.

It was dangerous every moment.

Discovery would mean death, not just for me, but for everyone helping me.

But God protected us.

Every checkpoint we passed without being searched.

Every suspicious moment passed without incident.

Every dangerous night ended safely.

It was miracle after miracle.

The network of believers who helped me cross Afghanistan was amazing.

In every city, in every town, there were secret Christians, all risking their lives to help a sister they had never met.

All united by our shared faith in Jesus.

All part of God’s invisible church in one of the most dangerous places on earth.

When we finally crossed into Pakistan, I collapsed in tears.

I was out.

I was free.

I was alive.

Against every odd, against every expectation, God had delivered me.

In Pakistan, I spent 3 months in a refugee camp.

It was crowded and difficult, but it was safe.

The Taliban had no power there.

I could pray openly.

I could sing worship songs without fear.

I could read my Bible.

I had been given a new one without hiding it.

During those months, I connected with a Christian organization that helped persecuted believers.

They heard my story.

They helped me apply for asylum in a western country.

They connected me with churches that were praying for me.

They gave me hope.

The asylum process was long.

There were interviews, forms, waiting.

But finally in March 2024, 6 months after my escape, I received news.

My application was approved.

I was going to a safe country.

I was going to be free.

The flight was the most surreal experience of my life.

Sitting on a plane, flying away from everything I had ever known toward a life I could barely imagine.

I watched Afghanistan disappear below me.

my country, my home, the place of my pain and my salvation.

I did not know when or if I would ever see it again.

When I arrived in my new country, I will not say where for security reasons.

I could not believe it was real.

Women walked freely.

No burkas required.

No religious police.

No fear of being beaten for showing your face.

Churches everywhere.

crosses visible, people worshiping Jesus openly, loudly, joyfully.

I cried for three days straight from relief, from grief, from overwhelming gratitude, from survivors guilt.

Why was I saved when others were not? Why did I get to escape when so many believers were still trapped in Afghanistan? The adjustment was hard.

Everything was different.

the language, the culture, the food, the way people lived.

I felt lost, displaced, a stranger in a strange land.

I had escaped physical persecution, but the trauma remained.

I had nightmares about the cell, about the execution, about the stones.

I woke up screaming.

I could not be in dark rooms.

I flinched at loud noises.

A church in my new city welcomed me.

They connected me with a counselor who specialized in trauma.

They gave me a place to stay.

They helped me learn the language.

They surrounded me with love and support.

Slowly, painfully, I began to heal.

One day about 4 months after my arrival, I received unexpected news.

Rasheed had escaped Afghanistan.

He had made it to Pakistan and he had converted to Christianity.

The network connected us.

We had a phone call.

He told me his story.

After helping me escape, he had been questioned by the Taliban.

They suspected he had been involved.

He had fled before they could arrest him.

During his flight, hiding in safe houses, someone had shared the gospel with him.

Someone had explained who Jesus really was.

And Rasheed, who had seen the light in my cell, who had heard the voice saying, “She is mine,” had believed.

He had given his life to Christ.

“You were right,” he told me on that call.

“Jesus is real, more real than anything else.

I saw him that night, and I had to know him.

I had to follow him.

” We both cried.

This man who had been my guard, who had been trained to hate Christians, was now my brother in Christ.

God’s work is amazing.

God’s power to transform is unstoppable.

By the end of 2024, I had found my footing in my new life.

I was learning the language.

I was working with the refugee organization, helping translate for other Afghan refugees.

I was attending church regularly.

I was making friends.

I was building a new life.

But I felt a calling, a burden.

I could not stop thinking about Afghanistan, about the believers still there, about the girls in my secret school, about my family, about the millions of Afghans suffering under Taliban rule.

I felt God saying, “Tell your story.

Tell what I did.

Tell how I saved you.

Tell about my faithfulness.

be a voice for those who have no voice.

So I began first in my local church sharing my testimony, then in other churches, then at conferences, then through videos online.

Each time I shared, people responded.

Some came to Christ for the first time.

Some recommitted their lives.

Some were moved to pray for Afghanistan.

Some were inspired to support persecuted believers.

And that brings us to now, to this moment, to 2025.

2 years after my arrest, almost a year and a half after my escape, I stand before you alive, free, and whole.

Not because I was strong enough or smart enough or worthy enough, but because Jesus saved me.

Because God performed miracle after miracle to deliver me.

because his purposes for my life were not finished.

I still think about Afghanistan every day.

I still miss my family desperately.

I still pray for the girls from the literacy circle, wondering where they are, hoping they are okay.

I still grieve for my country, for the suffering there, for the darkness that has fallen over my homeland.

But I also have hope because I know that God is at work even there.

I know that the church, though hidden, is alive.

I know that believers are meeting in secret, worshiping in whispers, keeping faith despite persecution.

I know that the gospel is spreading even in the darkest places.

I have received word through the network.

Some of the girls from my school escaped.

Some are safe now.

Some are even believers in Jesus.

Though I never spoke to them about my faith, God reached them another way.

Reach them through my example.

Maybe through seeing my peace in the midst of suffering.

Through wondering what gave me that peace and they searched and they found and they believed.

This is how God works.

He takes suffering and uses it for glory.

He takes persecution and uses it to spread the gospel.

He takes death sentences and turns them into testimonies of life.

He takes one woman hiding in a room with a secret Bible and uses her story to reach thousands.

I want you to understand something important.

My story is not special.

Not really.

Around the world right now, there are thousands of believers suffering persecution like I suffered.

Being arrested, being tortured, being executed for following Jesus in Afghanistan, in Iran, in North Korea, in China, in many countries, Christians are paying the price for their faith.

Some are delivered miraculously like I was, but many are not.

Many are martyed.

Many die for Jesus.

And their stories are just as important as mine.

More important maybe because they were faithful unto death.

They received the crown of life that Jesus promised.

Why was I saved when they were not? I do not know.

I have wrestled with that question a thousand times.

Survivors guilt is real.

Why me? Why not someone more important, more useful, more faithful? I do not have a full answer, but I know this.

God is sovereign.

God is good.

And God had a purpose in saving me.

Part of that purpose is this.

Telling you my story, being a voice, being a witness, showing the world that Jesus is real, Jesus is faithful, and Jesus is worth everything.

Let me tell you what I want you to take away from my story.

First, for believers, never take your freedom for granted.

If you live in a country where you can worship openly, where you can own a Bible, where you can speak the name of Jesus without fear, that is a privilege.

That is a gift.

Millions of Christians do not have that.

Do not waste it.

Use your freedom to worship boldly, to share the gospel fearlessly, to support those who do not have freedom.

Pray for the persecuted church.

We need your prayers.

Believers in dangerous places need your prayers more than we need anything else.

Pray for protection.

Pray for strength.

Pray for deliverance.

Pray for the gospel to spread despite persecution.

Your prayers matter.

Your prayers make a difference.

Support organizations that help persecuted believers.

Give, volunteer, use your resources to help those who are suffering for Christ.

There are networks like the one that saved me operating in dangerous places around the world.

They need support.

They need funding.

They need people who care.

Second, for doubters and seekers.

I gave up everything for Jesus.

Everything.

My country, my family, my safety, almost my life.

Why would I do that for something that was not real? Why would millions of Christians throughout history do the same? Why would people die for a lie? We would not.

We do not die for a religion.

We do not die for a philosophy.

We die for a person.

For Jesus, because he is real.

Because he revealed himself to us.

Because we know him personally, intimately, undeniably.

I found Jesus in the darkest place imaginable.

In Taliban ruled Afghanistan, in a cell awaiting execution, in the valley of the shadow of death.

And he was there.

He was real.

He was present.

He was faithful.

If he can meet me there, he can meet you anywhere.

You do not have to go to Afghanistan to find Jesus.

You do not have to face persecution.

You do not have to risk your life.

He is right here, right now, wherever you are.

All you have to do is seek him honestly, sincerely, with an open heart, and he will reveal himself to you.

He promises that in scripture you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Third, for Muslims and people of other faiths, I am not here to condemn Islam or any religion.

I respect religious searchers.

I respect sincere faith.

But I have to tell you the truth that changed my life.

Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life.

No one comes to the father except through him.

I know that is controversial.

I know that sounds exclusive.

But it is what Jesus himself said and it is what I discovered to be true.

I searched, I questioned, I looked for answers in many places and I found the truth in Jesus.

Not in a religion, not in rules, not in rituals, in a person, in a relationship.

In Jesus, he loves you.

Whether you are Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist or atheist or anything else, he loves you.

He died for you.

He rose for you.

He wants you to know him and he is calling you right now.

Can you hear him? I risked everything to follow Jesus.

And I would do it again a thousand times, a million times because he is worth it.

Because knowing him is worth any cost.

because eternal life with him is worth temporary suffering.

Let me tell you where I am now.

What my life looks like today.

I live in freedom, but I have not stopped teaching.

I teach online now.

Teaching Afghan women who are still in the country, who connect through secret internet, who hunger for education and for hope.

I teach them literacy.

I teach them English.

And yes, when they ask, I tell them about Jesus carefully, wisely, but honestly.

Some have believed, some have asked how to become Christians.

And I connect them with the underground network, with other believers who can help them.

The secret church is growing despite persecution, despite danger, despite everything.

The gospel is spreading.

I work with refugee organizations.

I help translate.

I help other Afghan refugees adjust to life and freedom.

I share my story at churches and conferences and universities.

I write articles.

I do interviews.

I use every opportunity to tell what God did.

And I pray.

Oh, how I pray.

I pray for Afghanistan.

For the Taliban to encounter Jesus like Rasheed did.

For the country to be free someday.

for justice and peace.

I pray for my family.

I have not been able to contact them, but I pray that somehow God is protecting them, providing for them, maybe even revealing himself to them.

I pray for every believer still in Afghanistan, for protection, for strength, for perseverance, for God to hide them like he hid me, for miracles, for deliverance.

And I pray for you.

Yes, you listening to my story right now.

I pray that God will use my story to touch your heart, to draw you to Jesus, to strengthen your faith, to increase your compassion for persecuted believers, to change your life.

Because that is why I am sharing this.

Not for sympathy, not for attention, not to make myself seem brave or special, but to glorify Jesus, to show what he can do, to demonstrate his faithfulness, to prove that he is real.

Jesus Christ is Lord.

He is real.

He is faithful.

He is powerful.

He is loving.

He is present.

He is everything he claims to be.

And he is calling you to know him, to follow him, to give your life to him.

Is he worth it? Yes.

A thousand times? Yes.

A million times? Yes.

Would I go through it all again? The persecution, the arrest, the cell, the sentence, the terror, the escape, the loss of everything.

Yes, I would because it led me to Jesus.

because it made me know him in a way I never could have otherwise.

Because it gave me a story to tell that points people to him.

The cost was high but the gain was infinite.

I lost a country but gained a kingdom.

I lost a family but gained a father.

I lost my life but found true life.

I lost everything and gained everything.

This is my testimony.

This is my truth.

Jesus Christ saved my life.

He delivered me from death.

He walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death.

He performed miracle after miracle to keep me alive.

And he did it all for his glory and for his purposes.

And he can do the same for you.

Whatever darkness you are in, whatever valley you are walking through, whatever fear you are facing, whatever pain you are enduring, Jesus is there.

Jesus is real.

Jesus is faithful and Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you.

My name is Nor Jahan.

It means light of the world.

I did not choose that name, but God knew because the true light of the world found me in the deepest darkness.

found me in Taliban ruled Afghanistan, found me in a prison cell, found me sentenced to death, and he saved me, delivered me, brought me into his marvelous light.

And if he can find me there, he can find anyone anywhere.

No darkness is too dark for him.

No place is too far for him.

No situation is too hopeless for him.

He is the light of the world and he is calling you out of darkness into his light.

Will you answer? Will you come to him? Will you let him save you like he saved me? This is my testimony.

This is my truth.

This is my life.

Jesus Christ saved me and he can save you too.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for praying and may God bless you and draw you close to himself in Jesus’ name.

Amen.

Epilogue.

As I finish sharing my story with you today, I want to leave you with one final thought.

Two years have passed since my arrest.

18 months since my escape.

Every day is a gift.

Every breath is a miracle.

Every moment of freedom is something I do not take for granted.

I still have nightmares.

I still carry trauma.

I still grieve for what I lost.

But I also have joy.

Deep, unshakable joy that comes from knowing Jesus, from being held by him, from experiencing his faithfulness in the most impossible circumstances.

The scars remain, but they tell a story.

A story of suffering, yes.

But more than that, a story of deliverance, of faithfulness, of a God who never abandons his children, of a savior who walks through fire with us, of a love that is stronger than death.

I do not know what the future holds.

I do not know if I will ever see Afghanistan again.

I do not know if my family will ever know what happened to me, why I disappeared, where I am now.

I do not know if I will see them again this side of heaven.

But I know who holds the future.

I know who holds me.

And that is enough.

To the believers listening, be faithful, be bold, be courageous.

Jesus is worth everything.

Never deny him.

Never be ashamed of him.

Never hide your faith out of fear.

He is worthy of everything we have to give.

To the seekers listening, keep searching.

Keep asking questions.

Keep pursuing truth.

Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you.

Seek and you will find.

Knock and the door will be open to you.

” He meant it.

If you seek him sincerely, you will find him.

He is waiting for you.

To the doubters listening, I understand doubt.

I lived in doubt for years.

But I am telling you with every fiber of my being, with all the authority of someone who has walked this path, Jesus is real.

He is not a myth, not a fairy tale, not a crutch for weak people.

He is God.

He is real.

And he will prove himself to you if you give him a chance.

To the persecutors, if any are listening, I forgive you.

All of you.

The ones who arrested me, the ones who beat me, the ones who sentenced me to death.

The ones who tried to kill me, I forgive you because Jesus forgave me because he commands me to forgive because forgiveness is the only path to freedom.

And more than that, I pray for you.

I pray that you will encounter Jesus like I did, like Rasheed did, that your eyes will be opened, that you will see the truth, that you will turn from darkness to light because God loves you, too.

Jesus died for you, too.

There is forgiveness available for you, too.

No matter what you have done.

Finally, to Jesus, thank you.

Thank you for finding me.

Thank you for saving me.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Thank you for the darkness because it led me to your light.

Thank you for the persecution because it made me know you deeper.

Thank you for the deliverance because it gave me this story to tell.

Thank you for your faithfulness.

Thank you for your love.

Thank you for your grace.

I am yours completely yours forever yours.

Use my life for your glory.

Use my story for your purposes.

Do with me whatever brings you the most glory.

I am willing.

I am ready.

I am yours.

To everyone listening, I leave you with the same words I heard in my darkest hour.

The words that carried me through the valley of the shadow of death.

The words that are still carrying me today.

Do not be afraid.

I am with you.

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Jesus spoke those words to me in that cell.

And he speaks them to you today.

Right now, wherever you are, whatever you are facing.

Do not be afraid.

He is with you and he will never leave you.

This is my testimony.

This is his faithfulness.

This is the gospel truth.

Jesus Christ is Lord and he is worthy of everything.

May you come to know him.

May you follow him.

May you experience his love like I have experienced it.

May your life be transformed like mine has been transformed.

From darkness to light, from death to life, from fear to freedom, from despair to hope.

This is what Jesus does.

This is who he is.

This is why he is worth everything.

Thank you.

God bless you.

And may the true light of the world shine on you today and always.

Amen.