“Move Over Siri — Tim Cook Wants Mahomes to Launch the iPhone, and the Internet Can’t Handle It!”

Stop everything.

Put down your oat milk latte, close out your fantasy football app, and take a deep breath because this might be the biggest collision between sports and tech since someone tried to download Madden on dial-up.

Patrick Mahomes — Kansas City’s golden-armed, ketchup-loving, Super Bowl-collecting quarterback — has just been offered an absolutely brain-melting $365 million by none other than Apple CEO Tim “I Don’t Blink” Cook to front the launch of the next iPhone.

Yes, you read that right.

Not $3. 65 million.

Not $36. 5 million.

Three hundred and sixty-five million actual dollars.

That’s the kind of number that makes even the most seasoned Wall Street analysts spit their cold brew directly onto their limited-edition MacBook Pros.

According to sources “with direct knowledge” (translation: somebody’s cousin who once did IT for Apple Stores), Tim Cook has decided that Mahomes is the perfect blend of all-American charm, tech-savvy credibility, and marketable hair to lead what’s being whispered as the “most important iPhone launch in history. ”

Apple isn’t just rolling out a phone.

They’re apparently attempting a full-scale cultural takeover — and Mahomes might just be the quarterback calling the play.

Naturally, the sports world is in absolute chaos.

One NFL agent we spoke to — who demanded anonymity because he “still uses an Android” — said, “This is game over.

If Mahomes says yes, Apple won’t just own the smartphone market.

They’ll own every commercial break in the NFL, every Instagram ad, and every grandma who still calls the Apple Store ‘the iPod place. ’”

It’s hard to disagree.

Imagine the Super Bowl MVP trotting out onstage in his red and gold, holding up the sleek new iPhone like it’s the Lombardi Trophy, while Tim Cook stands behind him smiling like a man who just bought the entire AFC West.

Social media is already on fire.

One fan tweeted, “If Mahomes tells me to buy an iPhone, I’ll sell my house. ”

Another wrote, “$365M? For that price, Mahomes better throw a touchdown pass directly to my Face ID. ”

Even the NFL’s official account coyly liked a meme showing Mahomes in a turtleneck next to Steve Jobs.

Subtle.

But why Mahomes? Insiders say Apple’s marketing team has been searching for a “once-in-a-generation” figure who can appeal equally to teenagers, tech bros, and suburban dads who still think 5G gives you migraines.

Patrick checks every box.

He’s already a walking brand — the voice of State Farm, the king of Kansas City BBQ, and the man who somehow makes a backwards pass look like a calculated decision.

More importantly, he’s scandal-proof… so far.

“Apple needs someone bulletproof,” explained our fake but convincing ‘celebrity endorsement expert’ Dr.

Lila Kensington, who allegedly runs a boutique PR firm in Malibu.

“Tom Brady had Deflategate.

Aaron Rodgers had… everything else.

Mahomes has a squeaky-clean image, a beautiful family, and a cannon for an arm.

He’s basically the human version of an iPhone — sleek, reliable, and expensive. ”

Of course, the dollar amount has people talking.

$365 million would make Mahomes the highest-paid celebrity endorser in history, eclipsing even the Jordan-Nike deals of old.

For perspective, that’s more than Apple paid for Beats by Dre — and those were literal headphones.

The offer reportedly includes a multiyear campaign, exclusive appearances at Apple events, and a bizarre clause requiring Mahomes to teach Tim Cook how to throw a spiral.

“It’s symbolic,” said a source close to the negotiations.

“Apple wants to merge the language of football and tech.

If Tim Cook can hit a crossing route, investors will lose their minds. ”

But not everyone’s buying the hype.

Skeptics in the industry point out that celebrity-tech partnerships can flop hard.

Remember when BlackBerry teamed up with Alicia Keys as “creative director” and then shut down their phone division a year later? Or when Google thought Lady Gaga could sell Google Glass? Exactly.

One former Apple marketing exec, who now runs a food truck in Palo Alto, warned, “If Mahomes gets injured or has a bad season, $365 million becomes the most expensive interception in history. ”

There’s also the question of whether Mahomes can juggle the demands of being the NFL’s most recognizable player and the global face of a trillion-dollar tech brand.

The iPhone 16 — or whatever they call it — will require months of global tours, commercial shoots, and keynote speeches in front of thousands of screaming fans who don’t even know what a two-point conversion is.

And then there’s the wild card: the NFL itself.

League sources are reportedly concerned about a single player becoming too commercially dominant.

“The NFL likes its stars big,” said one longtime league insider.

“But not bigger than the shield.

If Mahomes starts being introduced as ‘Apple’s Patrick Mahomes’ instead of ‘Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes,’ Roger Goodell might start sweating. ”

Given the commissioner’s usual demeanor, that would be a seismic event.

Fans, however, are already fantasy-booking the possibilities.

Will Mahomes debut the phone by throwing it 70 yards downfield into the waiting hands of Travis Kelce? Will Apple release a special “Chiefs Red” edition with a camera that only takes winning photos? Will Siri start calling you “champ” if you win three consecutive Fantasy Football matchups? Rumors are flying that the ad campaign will be titled “Mahomes Mode” — a nod to both the phone’s new high-performance chip and his ability to make absolutely ridiculous plays when the game is on the line.

Perhaps the most delicious twist in all this? Sources claim the deal might be Apple’s subtle revenge against their long-time tech rival Amazon, whose founder Jeff Bezos is a notorious Washington Commanders fan.

“This is corporate trolling at its finest,” joked one anonymous tech journalist.

“Imagine Bezos watching the Apple keynote and seeing Mahomes in a pristine suit talking about how the iPhone’s new processor can handle more data than the Commanders’ offense. ”

Savage.

Still, the $365 million question remains: will Mahomes say yes? Those close to him say the quarterback is weighing the offer carefully.

On one hand, the money is staggering, the brand prestige is unmatched, and he’d get lifetime access to whatever bizarre prototypes Apple keeps locked in its spaceship campus.

On the other, Mahomes has always been careful about his endorsements, choosing partnerships that align with his personal image and values.

And let’s be real — it’s not like he needs the cash.

His current NFL contract is worth half a billion dollars, not counting the mountain of money he already earns from endorsements.

If he does accept, we could be looking at a partnership that changes both sports and tech marketing forever.

If he declines, well… Apple might have to settle for its backup plan: convincing Taylor Swift to launch the iPhone by writing a breakup song about Android.

Either way, the fact that we’re even discussing this shows just how blurred the lines between athletic superstardom and Silicon Valley dominance have become.

In 2025, your quarterback isn’t just the leader of your football team.

He might be the guy telling you why you need to upgrade your battery life.

For now, both camps are keeping quiet.

Apple PR issued its standard non-denial denial: “We’re always exploring innovative partnerships, but have nothing to announce at this time.”

Mahomes’ agent responded with, “Patrick’s focus is on football,” which is exactly what you say when your client is secretly trying to figure out how many Tesla Cybertrucks $365 million can buy.

One thing is certain — the countdown has begun.

Apple’s fall keynote is just months away, and if Mahomes walks onstage in a tailored suit, holding the new iPhone in one hand and a football in the other, you’ll hear the roar all the way from Cupertino to Arrowhead Stadium.

And somewhere in between, a very smug Tim Cook will be silently mouthing, Touchdown.