Depp & Cooper MOURN Ozzy in Wild Rock Ritual 🎸 “A Pirate Says Goodbye to a Prince”

Hollywood has given us many strange friendships — Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg, Kanye West and himself — but nothing compares to the unholy trio of Johnny Depp, Alice Cooper, and Ozzy Osbourne.

So when Depp and Cooper recently took the stage to honor the one and only Prince of Darkness, the world collectively dropped its pumpkin spice latte, clutched its crucifix, and whispered, “Wait… Ozzy Osbourne isn’t dead yet?” No, dear readers, Ozzy is still alive — technically — but in true heavy metal fashion, the man has been “almost dead” for at least forty years.

And now, thanks to a tribute so dramatic it could have been directed by Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and Alice Cooper have basically held the first-ever living funeral for the Black Sabbath icon.

Let’s start with Johnny Depp.

The former pirate, current perfume salesman, and occasional courtroom reality star appeared on stage looking like he had just escaped from the set of Pirates of the Caribbean 12: Jack Sparrow Goes to Rehab.

Depp clutched his guitar with all the seriousness of a man who once tried to trademark the word “Captain,” and launched into a speech that made even Ozzy’s bat-shredding career look subtle.

“Ozzy,” Depp declared, his eyeliner trembling with emotion, “you were the first voice I heard when I realized Hollywood was a madhouse. ”

Translation: Depp once got drunk, listened to “Crazy Train,” and decided to wear scarves forever.

Then there was Alice Cooper, who arrived looking like your goth aunt who refuses to take off her Halloween decorations.

Cooper, ever the showman, decided that words weren’t enough.

No, he brought props.

Sources claim he walked out wearing bat wings, carried a chalice of stage blood, and shouted, “This one’s for Ozzy — the only man alive who made biting a bat’s head off seem like a health supplement.

” The crowd, a mix of aging rock fans, confused teenagers, and at least one person dressed as Edward Scissorhands, lost their collective minds.

And then came the music.

Depp and Cooper joined forces for what can only be described as the loudest eulogy ever performed for a man who wasn’t actually dead.

They wailed through Sabbath classics like “Iron Man” and “Paranoid,” though Depp reportedly stopped mid-song to check if his guitar pick had been stolen by Amber Heard’s legal team.

Cooper, meanwhile, accidentally set off pyrotechnics that singed the eyebrows off three front-row fans — who, to their credit, seemed delighted to go home with “Ozzy tribute burns. ”

But the real star of the night was Ozzy himself.

Because here’s the kicker: the Prince of Darkness was there.

He wasn’t just watching from the afterlife, floating above the stage in a cloud of demonic mist — he was physically present, clapping along like a man who can’t quite remember if he left the stove on.

At 75, Ozzy is more metal than most humans will ever be, but let’s be honest: the man looks like he’s been auditioning to play “Corpse #3” on CSI for a decade.

Still, when he finally shuffled onstage, the audience screamed louder than when Depp almost got deported from Australia over his dogs.

“I love you all,” Ozzy mumbled in his signature accent, which still sounds like a blender chewing marbles.

“And I ain’t goin’ anywhere!” Which, ironically, is exactly what every rock star says right before they go somewhere permanently.

Naturally, tabloids lost their minds.

Headlines like “OZZY RESURRECTED BY PIRATE MAGIC” and “ALICE COOPER DECLARES WAR ON FRUIT BATS” flooded the internet.

Twitter (sorry, “X”) erupted with memes of Depp holding a skull like Hamlet, asking, “To shred, or not to shred?” while Ozzy wandered in the background looking like a confused wizard.

One TikTok video of Cooper shrieking “Prince of Darkness forever!” has already been remixed with Taylor Swift beats, because of course it has.

Experts, too, have weighed in on the spectacle.

Dr. Rockson Steele, a fake musicologist with a leather PhD, told us, “This was less of a tribute and more of a vampire cult initiation ceremony.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Ozzy drank Depp’s tears to add 10 more years to his life. ”

Meanwhile, psychic medium Madame Tabitha insists she saw “the ghost of every bat Ozzy ever ate hovering above the stage in silent protest.”

And the fans? Oh, the fans were feral.

One woman screamed, “Bite me, Ozzy!” so loudly she had to be escorted out by security.

A man in the back fainted when Depp winked at him, though he later admitted it might have been the heat from Cooper’s flamethrower guitar.

Several attendees left with commemorative shirts reading “Prince of Darkness World Tour: Heaven Can Wait. ”

These are now selling on eBay for $600, because capitalism.

Let’s not ignore the deeper irony here: Johnny Depp, a man whose entire brand is based on looking like a pirate who just woke up in a rum barrel, was paying tribute to Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of Darkness who once mistook cocaine for breakfast cereal.

This is the Mount Rushmore of chaos.

And Alice Cooper? He’s the referee in a metal deathmatch that refuses to end.

Together, the three of them are less like musicians and more like the holy trinity of Hot Topic fever dreams.

Of course, not everyone was impressed.

Critics sniffed that the event felt like “Halloween karaoke at a retirement home. ”

One anonymous blogger wrote, “Watching Depp and Cooper honor Ozzy is like watching Dracula read a eulogy for Frankenstein — it’s iconic, but also deeply confusing. ”

Another claimed the whole thing was just a publicity stunt for Depp’s upcoming fragrance, “Eau de Rum & Lawsuit. ”

Honestly, would anyone be shocked?

But whether you see it as heartfelt or hilarious, one thing’s certain: Ozzy isn’t going quietly.

While most people his age are comparing blood pressure medication brands, Ozzy is still headbanging his way through tributes where people cry like he’s already six feet under.

And maybe that’s the point.

Maybe this tribute wasn’t a goodbye, but a chaotic reminder that the Prince of Darkness is immortal, held together by eyeliner, leather jackets, and whatever dark magic has kept Keith Richards alive all these years.

As Depp strummed his final chord and Alice Cooper released a dove that may or may not have been taxidermied, Ozzy raised his shaky fists to the heavens and shouted, “I ain’t done yet!” The crowd erupted, the bats trembled, and somewhere in Hollywood, a producer started sketching out Pirates of the Caribbean 13: Jack Sparrow Meets the Prince of Darkness.

So here’s the takeaway, dear readers: Johnny Depp may be a pirate, Alice Cooper may be a vampire, and Ozzy Osbourne may be the world’s most bedraggled prince, but together they proved one eternal truth — rock and roll will never die.

Mostly because its biggest stars refuse to.