Did the Raiders just sign a swing tackle… or unleash a locker room earthquake?

The Las Vegas Raiders are known for rolling the dice, but this time they might have actually recruited the dice tower itself.

In the most shocking and unintentionally hilarious move of the NFL week, the Raiders have signed offensive tackle Stone Forsythe, a man so tall, so massive, so completely skyscraper-esque that he could double as a hotel on the Vegas Strip.

Standing at a ridiculous 6-foot-8 and weighing in at 307 pounds, Forsythe is not just a football player anymore—he’s a literal tourist attraction.

The Eiffel Tower in Paris Vegas? Outdated.

The fountains of Bellagio? Weak.

The real must-see landmark in Nevada now is Stone Forsythe lumbering around in silver and black.

Now, let’s get something straight.

Forsythe wasn’t plucked from obscurity.

He’s been floating around the NFL for four years, drafted in the sixth round by the Seattle Seahawks back in 2021.

That’s right, sixth round.

Translation: the NFL looked at him, saw he was nearly the size of an aircraft carrier, and still decided five other rounds’ worth of players were more useful.

Seattle gave him a chance, though, and in his time there he played in 53 games with 14 starts.

Not bad for a guy most people confused with a Game of Thrones castle every time his name was announced.

But now he’s headed to Las Vegas, where his official job title is “swing tackle.

” Raiders fans are already asking: swing tackle… or swing set? Because at his size, kids could actually climb him.

Let’s not ignore the absurdity of this move.

The Raiders, a franchise famous for chaotic decisions and questionable draft picks, have now essentially acquired a human Redwood tree to protect their quarterback.

Insiders are whispering that the team’s actual plan isn’t football-related at all.

“Look, the Strip is expensive,” one fake NFL insider told us.

“If the Raiders can train Forsythe to just stand in front of Allegiant Stadium holding a ‘Welcome to Las Vegas’ sign, they’ll save millions in advertising.

And honestly, he’s tall enough to be visible from the plane window as you land. ”

But let’s address the real issue here.

Raiders fans are panicking.

Why? Because Stone Forsythe’s name alone has cursed energy.

Stone.

Forsythe.

He sounds less like a football player and more like a billionaire villain who owns half of Gotham City.

Some fans fear he’ll spend more time planning world domination than protecting Jimmy Garoppolo—or whichever unlucky soul is taking snaps behind the Raiders’ paper-thin O-line this season.

And speaking of Jimmy G… let’s just say Raiders quarterbacks are probably sleeping a little easier tonight knowing they have an actual stone wall blocking defenders.

Then again, history tells us that no amount of human fortresses can save a Raiders QB from inevitable disaster.

David Carr? Derek Carr? Carson Palmer? The list of quarterbacks chewed up and spit out by this franchise is longer than Forsythe’s inseam.

One fan on X (formerly Twitter, but always dumb) joked, “Stone Forsythe is so big he won’t just block the defense, he’ll block the fans’ view of the game.

Win-win. ”

But how does Forsythe actually play? Let’s get “serious” for a moment—though don’t worry, not too serious, because this is the Raiders we’re talking about.

At 6-8, he’s a classic right tackle build: massive frame, long arms, decent movement for a guy who weighs more than your Honda Civic.

In Seattle, he filled in admirably, though Seahawks fans probably remember him more for being tall enough to accidentally block the Jumbotron camera when he stood on the sideline.

Scouts say his biggest weakness is leverage—translation: he’s so tall that shorter defenders can get under his pads and move him around.

Raiders coaches have apparently told him to “just fall forward and crush people like Godzilla stepping on a minivan. ”

Of course, because this is Las Vegas, the jokes have already written themselves.

Will Stone Forsythe get his own residency at Caesars Palace?

Will he be mistaken for a bouncer outside a nightclub? Will tourists try to climb him thinking he’s part of a Cirque du Soleil act?

One drunken bachelor party attendee reportedly told a local reporter, “I thought Stone Forsythe was the name of a new casino.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out he’s just a guy in shoulder pads. ”

Meanwhile, the Raiders organization is selling this as a genius move.

“We believe Stone brings stability to our offensive line,” a totally real team executive might have said.

Translation: “We have no idea what we’re doing, but look at this giant guy we found.

” It’s the most Raiders thing possible—signing someone whose biggest claim to fame is literally just existing at an enormous size.

This isn’t football anymore.

This is marketing.

This is spectacle.

This is Vegas, baby.

Now, here’s the twist.

While fans laugh, skeptics mock, and opposing defenses roll their eyes, there’s always a chance the joke’s on everyone else.

Every year, the NFL produces one surprise hero—some overlooked guy who turns into a star.

Maybe, just maybe, Stone Forsythe will anchor the Raiders’ O-line for years to come.

Maybe he’ll pancake sack-happy pass rushers and make Maxx Crosby proud.

Maybe the Silver and Black have secretly found their own version of an unsung giant.

Or maybe, more realistically, he’ll just end up blocking people’s sightlines in the stadium while the Raiders go 6-11.

To cap it off, one anonymous “Vegas expert” we consulted had this to say: “Signing Stone Forsythe is the most Raiders thing ever.

It’s big, it’s flashy, it sounds exciting… but at the end of the day, it probably won’t matter, and you’ll still lose all your money. ”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

So, buckle up Raiders fans.

Whether Stone Forsythe becomes the next unsung hero or just another oversized novelty in a city full of them, one thing is for sure: Allegiant Stadium has never looked smaller.