“THE SECOND COMING OF DUMERVIL?! Ravens Rookie Mike Green Already Breaking Hearts (and Pockets)!”

Baltimore just found their next football messiah.

And his name is Mike Green.

Yes, that Mike Green you didn’t know existed until this preseason but now feel morally obligated to name your future children after.

In his first ever NFL-ish appearance, against the Indianapolis Colts in a game that technically doesn’t matter but suddenly feels like the most important thing in American sports, Green didn’t just show up.

He arrived like a caffeinated tornado wearing cleats.

The Ravens’ rookie edge rusher didn’t just rush the passer.

He stalked the quarterback like a National Geographic predator with a slow-motion voiceover.

Fourteen pass rush snaps.

Fifty percent win rate.

Disrupted Anthony Richardson all night.

And somehow also disrupted the sleep schedules of Colts fans everywhere.

This was no polite rookie debut.

This was a football exorcism.

Former Raven Qadry Ismail wasted no time in throwing gasoline on the hype fire by proclaiming, “Mike Green is the Elvis Dumervil of this generation. ”

Which is both insane and exactly what Ravens fans needed to hear.

Because Elvis Dumervil’s single-season sack record of 17 in Baltimore isn’t just a number.

It’s a sacred relic.

And now everyone is acting like Green will break it before halftime of Week 1.

Sure, Mike hasn’t played a regular-season snap yet, but details are for losers and cautious sports analysts.

Right now, he’s the second coming of Lawrence Taylor, Von Miller, and a caffeinated hyena all rolled into one.

The numbers alone have ESPN interns furiously updating future Hall of Fame spreadsheets.

Fourteen pass rush snaps on true dropbacks.

Fifty percent win rate.

Nearly forced an interception.

Helped cause a sack.

And moved off the edge like a “heat-seeking missile” — which is how every defensive coach describes their favorite player right before that player injures someone’s franchise quarterback.

One anonymous AFC coach reportedly texted, “We’re already rewriting our playbook just to avoid him. ”

Another whispered, “This guy bends like he has no bones. ”

Ravens fans, naturally, have skipped the phase of cautious optimism and gone straight to planning the Mike Green bronze statue for outside M&T Bank Stadium.

One man in Federal Hill claims he’s getting “Green 99” tattooed on his forehead if the rookie gets three sacks in the opener.

This is what happens when a city that has been emotionally scarred by offensive mediocrity suddenly sees a defensive demon born before their eyes.

Even the Colts looked shaken.

Anthony Richardson was last seen checking under his bed for Mike Green before going to sleep.

The Ravens’ defensive line group chat has allegedly been renamed “Mike Green and the Supporting Cast. ”

Local reporters have compared his edge bend to an “Olympic-level limbo champion” and his burst to “that moment when your dog hears the treat bag. ”

And the Elvis Dumervil comparisons? Oh, those are just getting started.

Dumervil set that magical 17-sack mark in 2014, and Ravens historians still tell the story in hushed tones like it’s folklore.

Now, here comes Mike Green, who apparently just downloaded the cheat codes for pass rushing, and Baltimore has already started engraving his name into the record books in Sharpie.

“The future is fast, bendy, and named Mike Green,” one Ravens fan tweeted, clearly unaware that this sentence will be haunting him if Green somehow ends up with only two sacks all season.

But that’s the beauty of preseason hype — there’s no downside yet.

It’s a fantasy world where rookies never make mistakes and every highlight clip looks like a Marvel superhero fight scene.

Some analysts are trying to calm the city down.

ESPN’s sober-minded football guy warned, “It’s one preseason game.

Let’s not overreact. ”

Which, of course, is like telling a toddler not to touch the candy.

Ravens fans have overreacted so hard that Vegas odds for Defensive Rookie of the Year shifted in real time.

Baltimore radio hosts have already run multiple “Is Mike Green the Greatest Pass Rusher Alive?” call-in segments, and apparently, the phone lines are jammed.

There’s even a rumor that Ray Lewis offered to adopt him spiritually into the Ravens defensive brotherhood, which is about as close as you can get to a knighthood in Baltimore.

Green himself? He’s saying all the right rookie things like “I just want to help the team” and “It’s about the next game. ”

Which is adorable, because the rest of the city is already talking about when his Hall of Fame bust will be unveiled in Canton.

Even the Ravens’ equipment staff is allegedly designing his own custom “Mike Green Sack Counter” to put up in the locker room, like some kind of defensive advent calendar.

Social media has turned into a shrine for him.

Clips of his edge rush are being set to dramatic movie scores.

Ravens TikTok is making slow-mo edits of his sacks with captions like “My king” and “He’s HIM. ”

An elderly couple in Baltimore claims they haven’t been this excited about a rookie since Ed Reed.

One overzealous YouTuber even made a video titled, “Mike Green: The Pass Rusher Who Will End Civilization as We Know It. ”

And here’s the thing — maybe they’re right.

The dude plays like his rent is due every quarter.

He dips, he bends, he chases quarterbacks like they owe him money.

If this is how he looks in August, what’s he going to do when it’s December and quarterbacks are too cold to run away? Of course, with great hype comes great responsibility.

And the NFL is cruel to rookies who start hot.

The second offensive coordinators get enough film, they start plotting like Bond villains.

But for now, no one cares about “game-planning. ”

They just want to believe.

They want to believe that Mike Green is not only the Elvis Dumervil of this generation but maybe something more.

Something scarier.

Something that will have AFC North quarterbacks waking up in cold sweats for years.

And maybe he is.

Maybe Baltimore has stumbled into the perfect storm of talent, speed, and “oh no” factor that makes a pass rusher legendary.

Or maybe — and this is the preseason reality check talking — this is the most exciting thing to happen in an otherwise meaningless August game, and we’re all just desperate for football to be back.

Either way, the city is hooked.

The Ravens have their new hero.

The fan base has their new obsession.

And the rest of the league has been warned: Mike Green is coming.

And he’s bringing the chaos with him.