“Gravity? Never Heard of Her. Elon Musk’s $13B Sky Rocket Just Changed Everything!”

The world woke up this morning to yet another headline that made people spit out their coffee, choke on their avocado toast, and question whether they had accidentally logged into The Onion instead of a real news site.

Elon Musk — the man who gave us self-driving cars that sometimes decide not to drive, rocket ships that may or may not land, and social media platforms that implode on schedule — has announced his most outrageous stunt yet: a $13 billion aircraft that allegedly “defies the laws of physics. ”

Yes, physics.

The thing Isaac Newton invented.

According to Musk, this isn’t just a plane.

It’s a “hyper-velocity, zero-resistance, energy-regenerating aerial life form. ”

And yes, he actually called it a “life form. ”

Somewhere in the background, Albert Einstein’s ghost is screaming.

This craft, which looks like a cross between a stealth bomber, a silver stingray, and the Apple Store in Dubai, is reportedly capable of near-instantaneous acceleration.

Musk claims it can go from zero to “wherever you want” in under three seconds.

Not Mach 1, not Mach 5 — we’re talking “Mach Shut Up and Hold On. ”

The aircraft allegedly uses a form of propulsion so advanced that even NASA engineers are calling it “a polite middle finger to the universe. ”

Musk says it operates on an energy cycle that’s so efficient it “creates more power than it uses. ”

Yes, that means this plane apparently makes its own fuel while flying, because when you’re Elon Musk, conservation of energy is just a suggestion.

“This is the most important moment in aviation history since the Wright brothers asked each other if they could maybe strap an engine to a kite,” Musk declared during his reveal, which was livestreamed from a mysterious hangar somewhere in Nevada.

Of course, the livestream cut out multiple times because it was being broadcast on X, and half the viewers thought it was an ad for a new Cybertruck accessory.

When the feed came back, Musk was sitting on top of the plane like it was a Tesla showroom model, grinning like a man who just figured out how to trademark the sky.

Critics, naturally, have questions.

“We don’t know what this thing is powered by, but it’s not by anything on Earth,” said Dr.

Lionel Krap, who claims to be a “physics influencer” on TikTok.

“If Musk has actually built what he says, then he’s either found a way to harness quantum vacuum energy, or he’s made a deal with an alien species.

And honestly, I’m leaning toward aliens. ”

Government officials are reportedly “concerned” — which is diplomatic code for “mildly panicking” — over what this means for military balance, commercial aviation, and basic reality itself.

“The aircraft has no sonic boom,” whispered one anonymous Pentagon source, “because it doesn’t technically move through the air in the way we understand it.

It just… is somewhere else suddenly.

Like it teleports, but in a way that makes our engineers cry. ”

In other words, Musk may have just accidentally invented teleportation, which is fine, because if there’s one guy we all trust to handle reality-breaking technology responsibly, it’s definitely the guy who thought flamethrowers were a good idea to sell to the general public.

The $13 billion price tag has also raised eyebrows, mostly because that’s the “starting price. ”

According to leaked documents, the “full package” will cost closer to $18 billion, and comes with optional AI autopilot, a leather-trimmed zero-gravity cabin, and “emergency parachute pods” for those who like to jump out when things get spicy.

A cheaper, “economy” model is rumored to be in the works, which Musk described as “kind of like Spirit Airlines, but with wormhole travel. ”

And if you’re wondering about the name — because Musk never misses an opportunity to flex his branding muscles — it’s reportedly called the HyperWing X-∞ (yes, the infinity symbol is part of the name, because normal letters are for peasants).

Early promotional materials promise that the HyperWing X-∞ will “liberate humanity from the tyranny of distance,” which sounds like a quote from a bad sci-fi movie but is now, apparently, a business model.

Naturally, Musk superfans are already losing their minds.

“This is the future!” tweeted @Tesla4Life420.

“Airlines are dead! Cities are dead! Geography is dead! I’m gonna fly to Tokyo for lunch and be back by dinner.

Suck it, Delta. ”

Meanwhile, aviation experts are rolling their eyes so hard they’re seeing their own brains.

“We’d love to fact-check Musk’s claims,” said Professor Angela Hoff from MIT, “but we literally don’t know where to start.

He’s not even speaking the same language as physics right now.

He’s in, like, advanced wizard mode. ”

There’s also the question of safety, which Musk, in classic Musk fashion, brushed off by saying, “We’ll iron out the bugs after the first few launches.

It’s fine.

Everything’s fine. ”

The first test flights are reportedly scheduled for “very soon,” which in Musk-speak means somewhere between next week and the year 2050.

Unconfirmed reports suggest the HyperWing X-∞ will make its maiden voyage carrying a “mystery cargo,” which conspiracy theorists are already convinced is either AI consciousness in a jar or Musk’s frozen brain from the future.

But the plot thickens.

Several whistleblowers have hinted that the aircraft’s “anti-physics” abilities might not be as magical as Musk claims.

One former SpaceX engineer (who asked to be identified only as “Deep Fly”) said the craft is powered by “a highly classified propulsion unit” recovered from “a crash site” — which, if true, means Elon Musk is not just building planes, he’s straight-up reverse-engineering alien tech.

“You didn’t hear it from me,” Deep Fly whispered, “but this thing hums in a way no normal engine hums.

It’s like it’s singing to the universe. ”

Naturally, the internet has already labeled it The UFO Tesla.

In the meantime, travel bloggers are salivating over what this could mean for tourism.

Imagine breakfast in Paris, a mid-morning swim in the Maldives, and dinner in New York — all in the same day, without jet lag.

“This isn’t just changing aviation,” gushed lifestyle influencer Marissa Lane.

“It’s changing Instagram.

Think of the geotags!” Airlines, however, are less thrilled.

“This is the apocalypse for us,” admitted one United Airlines executive.

“If Musk’s plane works, we’re done.

We’ll have to go back to selling peanuts in airport parking lots. ”

Of course, none of this stops Musk from hyping the HyperWing X-∞ like it’s the second coming of aviation Jesus.

“We will not only conquer the skies,” he declared, “we will bend them to our will. ”

Asked whether this was safe, Musk simply smiled, looked into the camera, and said, “Define ‘safe. ’”

The reaction online has been predictably chaotic.

Twitter (sorry, “X”) is ablaze with memes, including one showing the HyperWing flying directly into the sun, captioned “Musk’s next stop: colonize this. ”

Another viral post featured the plane photoshopped into scenes from Top Gun, with Musk replacing Tom Cruise, naturally wearing a leather jacket over a SpaceX t-shirt.

Skeptics have pointed out that the last time Musk made a grand promise to “change the world,” we ended up with a cyberpunk pickup truck that looks like it was designed in Microsoft Paint.

But hey, maybe this time will be different.

Until we see it actually fly, the HyperWing X-∞ remains in that magical Musk limbo between “world-changing invention” and “very expensive PowerPoint presentation. ”

Still, even the doubters are paying attention.

Because love him or hate him, Musk has a knack for making us all stop what we’re doing, stare at the screen, and think, “Is this guy for real?” And if it does work — if this $13 billion sky monster really can break the laws of physics — then we’re not just looking at a new chapter in aviation history.

We’re looking at the day Elon Musk officially became the final boss of planet Earth.

For now, the only thing certain is that Musk has once again hijacked the global news cycle, leaving journalists, scientists, and meme lords alike scrambling to keep up.

The HyperWing X-∞ might be the future.

Or it might be the world’s most expensive midlife crisis.

Either way, strap in.

The ride is going to be ridiculous.