“John Oliver Just Nuked Dean Cain—And ICE Got Caught in the Fallout”

Well, folks, grab your emotional support popcorn.

Television’s favorite sarcastic British news clown, John Oliver, has just set his comedic flamethrower to “incinerate” and aimed it directly at Dean Cain.

Yes, that Dean Cain.

The one you vaguely remember as Superman if you were alive in the 90s and not busy watching something better.

This might be the most beautifully unnecessary celebrity roast of the year.

And no, that’s not an exaggeration.

Oliver’s rant had more bite than a pit bull at a backyard barbecue and more pop culture references than a BuzzFeed listicle written during a caffeine overdose.

It started with the now instantly iconic line: “There’s an old saying in Hollywood: if all you can get is Dean Cain, you are fcked. ”

The statement was so vicious it made Twitter collectively gasp, snort, and then pretend they always knew who Dean Cain was.

Half of them thought he was Scott Baio.

But the real tea here is why Cain is even on Oliver’s radar.

That’s because the once-and-questionably-still-relevant actor has joined ICE — yes, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency — in some sort of celebrity mascot role.

It makes about as much sense as hiring the Geico gecko to do your taxes.

Oliver, never one to let low-hanging fruit go unmocked, absolutely went for the jugular.

He mocked Cain’s resume in a way that felt like watching your uncle flip through the VHS bargain bin at a gas station.

He rattled off Cain’s illustrious cinematic achievements: The Dog Who Saved Christmas, The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation, The Dog Who Saved Holidays, The Dog Who Saved Halloween, The Dog Who Saved Easter, and The Dog Who Saved Summer.

Frankly, it sounds less like an actor’s filmography and more like a desperate seasonal Hallmark Channel content generator malfunctioning in a warehouse somewhere.

Oliver’s point was painfully, hilariously clear.

If ICE is banking on the star power of a man whose most recent co-stars were a golden retriever and possibly a talking Easter Bunny, they might not exactly be striking fear into the hearts of undocumented immigrants.

They might instead inspire them to roll their eyes and ask for an autograph for their aunt who still owns the box set of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.

And just when you thought Oliver’s British wit would take a tea break, he landed another punchline so sharp it could cut glass.

“On the plus side, no need for that guy to wear a mask because the chances of anyone recognizing him are fcking zero. ”

The burn was so nuclear that somewhere in Los Angeles, Dean Cain probably dropped his protein shake and stared out the window wondering when exactly his IMDb page became a public service announcement for career CPR.

Of course, the internet exploded.

That’s what it does whenever Oliver decides to use his HBO budget to obliterate someone’s public image.

Twitter users turned Cain’s dog movie titles into ICE-themed memes faster than you can say The Dog Who Saved Border Patrol.

TikTok teens produced parody trailers for The Dog Who Saved Deportations that somehow still looked higher budget than half the movies Cain has done in the last decade.

In true tabloid fashion, the drama didn’t stop there.

Cain, who has never been shy about his conservative political views, has previously positioned himself as some kind of Hollywood outsider fighting against liberal elitism.

In this case, that apparently means moonlighting as a badge-wearing immigration enforcer in between signing autographs at midwestern comic cons.

While Oliver never outright questioned Cain’s motives for joining ICE, the entire tone of the segment dripped with sarcastic disbelief.

The kind usually reserved for hearing that Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about haunted animatronic pizza mascots — which, reminder, actually happened.

Now entertainment blogs are running wild with speculation over whether Cain will clap back.

Some predict a Fox News guest appearance where he’ll call Oliver “a smug British elitist” while wearing a tactical vest over his Superman T-shirt.

Others think he might lean into the joke and start pitching The Dog Who Saved Immigration Enforcement to Netflix as a family-friendly action comedy.

Beyond the petty back-and-forth, there’s something undeniably fascinating about watching an HBO late-night host torch a C-list celebrity for taking a job most people didn’t even know ICE was offering.

It raises absurd yet pressing questions only America in 2025 can generate.

Do all government agencies now have their own celebrity spokespeople? Can we expect Shannen Doherty to start working for the DMV? Will Pauly Shore become the face of the IRS? And most importantly, if all you can get is Dean Cain, what exactly does your recruitment process look like? Was Kevin Sorbo busy? Did Gary Busey ask for too much money?

These are the mysteries Oliver leaves unsolved.

Perhaps he knows the answers would only make us cry harder from laughter.

Yet, in the midst of all this comedic carnage, one has to wonder how Cain feels about being the punchline of the week.

Given his history of doubling down on whatever makes Twitter mad, he might be secretly thrilled about the attention.

As any seasoned tabloid reader knows, there’s no such thing as bad publicity when your last six movies went straight to the bargain rack at Dollar General.

Maybe that’s the real plot twist here.

In some bizarre, mutually parasitic way, Oliver and Cain are both benefiting from this roast.

Oliver gets another viral moment to feed his devoted liberal fanbase.

Cain gets to bask in the fleeting glow of trending for something other than “Hey, remember that guy who used to play Superman?”

Until Cain releases a statement — or better yet, a dog-themed ICE holiday special — we’ll just have to keep replaying Oliver’s segment.

We can marvel at the sheer poetry of a man with an HBO budget and a desk lamp casually dismantling an entire career in under three minutes.

Once again, the gladiator arena of modern celebrity relevance proves that a sharp tongue and a primetime platform will always, always beat a filmography full of seasonal dog movies.