FROM DRIVE-THRU TO BOARDROOM?! Wannabe CEO Tries to Take Over Cracker Barrel—Armed with 12-STEP PLAN 🤡👇

Ladies and gentlemen, grab your gravy boats and clutch your cornbread, because the Cracker Barrel saga has officially entered the Twilight Zone.

In what may go down as the most outrageous corporate flex of 2025, a mystery applicant has sent an open letter to the Board of Directors, casually nominating himself for the vacant CEO throne with credentials that would make even the world’s most delusional LinkedIn guru blush.

His qualifications? Not an MBA.

Not decades of leadership.

Not even a summer internship in middle management.

No, this bold hero claims his years of eating at Long John Silver’s make him the obvious savior of America’s most nostalgia-soaked chain restaurant.

And the internet, naturally, is devouring this trainwreck like a side of hashbrown casserole.

The drama began when outgoing CEO Julie Felss Masino, who recently stepped down amid sluggish growth and increasingly lukewarm cornbread reviews, left the corner office wide open.

While seasoned execs sharpened their résumés and consultants salivated at the thought of “revamping the brand experience,” in swooped an unlikely warrior armed with nothing more than snark, fried fish memories, and a 12-step “rescue plan” that reads like the fever dream of someone who ate too much sausage gravy before bed.

“I’ve never run a massive company or restaurant chain,” the applicant admitted in his letter, already securing honesty points.

“But I do know a thing or two about grub and service. ”

Translation: He once sent back cold fries at an Applebee’s and lived to tell the tale.

Naturally, tabloids and social media went into meltdown mode.

“This is either the dumbest corporate stunt of the year or the most genius,” tweeted one marketing analyst.

“Either way, I’m buying stock in popcorn because the show is just getting started. ”

Meanwhile, fans of Cracker Barrel — those fiercely loyal road-trippers who treat the chain like a sacred temple of rocking chairs and country kitsch — couldn’t decide whether to laugh, cry, or storm their nearest location demanding answers.

One Reddit thread simply titled ‘Cracker Barrel CEO applicant is me after three mimosas’ exploded with thousands of comments, ranging from “Give this man the keys” to “This is how Rome fell. ”

So, what exactly is in this 12-step plan to restore Cracker Barrel’s glory? While the applicant didn’t publish every detail, leaked excerpts have begun circulating, and let’s just say Gordon Ramsay is somewhere screaming into a pillow.

Among the alleged “steps” are: replacing half the menu with “stuff grandma actually made,” installing jukeboxes in every bathroom, serving bottomless gravy like coffee, and reviving the “Front Porch Experience” by making employees dress as frontier settlers once a month.

Step 7, according to insiders, is literally just: “Stop being so depressing.

” Step 10? “Bring back the mystery meat.

We all know it slapped. ”

And Step 12, the grand finale? “If all else fails, sell the company to Dolly Parton.

” Honestly, not the worst idea.

Board members, we’re told, were less amused.

One source described the reaction inside corporate HQ as “a mix of horror, laughter, and mild indigestion. ”

Another insider swore an executive nearly choked on a cornbread muffin when he read the phrase “my experience at Long John Silver’s qualifies me to oversee nationwide breakfast strategy. ”

But here’s the kicker: industry insiders say the letter has gotten more attention than any of the “serious” applications, and at least three directors allegedly joked about inviting the applicant to present his plan at the next board meeting.

“We haven’t had this much buzz around Cracker Barrel since they discontinued lard-based biscuits,” said one fake restaurant analyst we totally didn’t make up.

Customers, predictably, are eating it up.

A viral TikTok features a woman filming herself outside a Cracker Barrel yelling, “Give him the job! He’s one of us!” Another clip shows a group of college kids chanting “Long John CEO!” while holding up plates of biscuits like protest signs.

“Finally, a leader who understands the pain of lukewarm hashbrowns and sticky syrup bottles,” one user posted.

A parody Twitter account for the applicant has already amassed 50,000 followers, with tweets like: “First order of business as CEO: unlimited rocking chair rides for loyalty members. ”

Critics, however, are less than thrilled.

One business columnist scoffed, “This is corporate America’s Kardashian moment — we’re giving attention to clowns while Rome, or in this case Cracker Barrel, burns. ”

Another sneered, “Eating at Long John Silver’s is not a résumé, it’s a cry for help. ”

Still, even the haters admit the stunt has revived interest in a chain many had written off as a relic of the past.

“We’re talking about Cracker Barrel in 2025.

That alone is a miracle,” said another fake expert.

And let’s be honest: Cracker Barrel needs the PR.

Sales have been sagging.

Younger diners see it as the place their parents drag them to on road trips.

The once-cozy “grandma’s living room” vibe now reads more like “weird aunt’s hoarding problem. ”

And don’t even get us started on the portion sizes, which have been shrinking faster than the patience of anyone waiting for pancakes on a Sunday morning.

So maybe — just maybe — a completely unqualified, biscuit-loving outsider is exactly what the chain needs.

If Steve Jobs could turn Apple into a tech empire after dropping out of college, who’s to say a guy with a passion for fried fish and a dream couldn’t save Cracker Barrel?

Of course, conspiracy theories abound.

Some say the letter was written by a clever marketing agency hired by Cracker Barrel itself, desperate for viral relevance.

Others insist it’s the work of a disgruntled former employee, secretly trying to mock the board.

And a few diehards believe it’s an elaborate prank by Waffle House, Cracker Barrel’s chaotic Southern rival.

Whatever the case, it’s working — because everyone is suddenly talking about biscuits, gravy, and corporate leadership in the same breath.

As the saga unfolds, one thing is certain: this anonymous applicant has achieved what even seasoned executives couldn’t.

He made Cracker Barrel a headline.

He made people care again.

And in an age where attention is currency, that alone might make him the most qualified candidate in the room.

“If the man can get TikTok teens screaming about cornbread,” one PR expert quipped, “imagine what he could do with a breakfast combo. ”

So, will the board cave and at least give this gravy-soaked visionary an interview?

Or will they dismiss him as a clown while quietly stealing half his ideas?

Either way, the Cracker Barrel story just got juicier than a country-fried steak, and we’ll be sitting here with our rocking chairs, sweet tea, and hashtags, watching every messy bite.

Because let’s face it: if you’re not rooting for the guy who ate at Long John Silver’s and thinks he can run a billion-dollar company, you’re missing out on the only real entertainment left in corporate America.