“Brad Pitt Let a 105-Year-Old Man Live RENT-FREE — Hollywood’s Hottest Landlord?!?”

Move over, celebrity divorces, because Hollywood just coughed up its weirdest plot twist yet: Brad Pitt, the man with abs sculpted by Greek gods and the bank account of a Bond villain, apparently had a geriatric roommate squatting in his backyard for over a decade.

And not just any roommate, but a 105-year-old man named John, who lived rent-free on Pitt’s sprawling Los Angeles estate until his death, proving once and for all that Brad Pitt is either the nicest landlord in history—or the most patient hostage negotiator alive.

Let’s rewind.

Back in 1994, Pitt, then just beginning his era as America’s shirtless golden retriever of cinema, bought a 1. 9-acre estate from none other than Cassandra Peterson, better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

(Yes, because nothing says “starter home” quite like inheriting haunted goth real estate from a woman who made black wigs and cleavage into a religion. )

Pitt snagged it for a measly $1. 7 million—basically the cost of half a houseplant in today’s LA housing market.

Fast-forward to 2023, and he flips the property for $40 million, because Hollywood real estate has the same logic as Monopoly when your little brother cheats.

But here’s the kicker: while Pitt was tanning, filming movies about baseball statistics, and winning People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” multiple times, there was a sweet old man named John living quietly in a little house on the estate.

Peterson spilled the beans that Pitt, after buying up the surrounding properties like a benevolent feudal lord, made a deal with John.

The deal was simple: “You can stay in your house rent-free until you die. ”

Which sounds generous… until John refused to die.

The man outlived not only everyone’s expectations but also Pitt’s patience for maintaining a surprise retirement community in his backyard.

John was in his early 90s when the agreement began.

Hollywood insiders assumed Pitt probably expected him to shuffle off into the afterlife by, say, the time Ocean’s Twelve hit theaters.

But John decided to go full Energizer Bunny, clocking in at 105 years old.

For perspective, John was alive during the Prohibition, the Great Depression, Elvis, disco, and three Spider-Man reboots.

By the time he died, Taylor Swift was already rewriting the Billboard Hot 100 for the 94th time.

And because this is Hollywood, where everything must have a layer of gossip, Elvira herself described Pitt’s generosity as “very, very kind. ”

Which, coming from a woman who made her living dressing like a vampire dominatrix, is basically sainthood confirmation.

Brad Pitt: actor, heartthrob, and apparently unofficial caretaker of America’s oldest freeloading widower.

Now, the tabloids are losing their collective minds, and for good reason.

The image of Brad Pitt casually gardening shirtless while a 100-year-old man is sipping prune juice in the guest house is just too bizarre to ignore.

Did John know he was living on a multimillion-dollar property owned by one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars? Did he ever wander into Pitt’s kitchen and ask for more salt? Did Brad ever ask him for acting advice? These are the questions America needs answered.

Of course, the internet is having a field day.

Twitter users are declaring John the ultimate king of rent control.

One viral post read: “Forget succession.

This is the real Game of Thrones.

Brad Pitt vs. a 105-year-old landlord assassin. ”

Others joked that John’s secret to longevity was refusing to pay rent.

A TikTok conspiracy theorist has even claimed that Pitt secretly used John as research for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

(“Think about it, guys.

He bought the estate in 1994.

The movie came out in 2008.

Coincidence? WAKE UP.”)

Fake experts are also chiming in, because what’s a Hollywood gossip cycle without a little nonsense.

Dr. Felicia Goldstein, a made-up gerontologist for this article, “explained”: “Living rent-free in Los Angeles adds at least 15 years to your life expectancy.

Stress kills, but so does a mortgage.

This man basically hacked the system.

Brad Pitt may have accidentally discovered the cure for aging: free housing. ”

But not everyone is praising Pitt’s alleged kindness.

Some critics say the whole arrangement was a strategic PR move.

“Brad wanted to look like a humanitarian,” sneered one anonymous Hollywood publicist, probably sipping a $22 oat milk latte.

“But let’s be real.

He bought up all the land like Monopoly, then let the old man stay because evicting a 92-year-old widower would look bad on TMZ.

It was optics, darling. ”

Others speculated John may have secretly haunted Pitt’s love life.

“You wonder why Angelina left?” one tabloid columnist mused.

“Maybe she didn’t want to raise six kids while Grandpa John was wandering around in his slippers asking where the bathroom was. ”

Then there’s the bizarre twist: Elvira herself claims the situation lasted far longer than anyone thought.

Translation: Brad Pitt accidentally got stuck in the longest Airbnb rental of all time.

You have to imagine Pitt’s internal dialogue by year 15: “Okay, John, any day now… right? RIGHT?” Meanwhile, John is celebrating his 103rd birthday by binge-watching Netflix in Pitt’s guesthouse.

Hollywood insiders are now speculating about a possible movie adaptation of this whole saga.

Tentative titles include The Houseguest, Grumpy Old Man: The Brad Pitt Edition, and Fast & the Frugal: LA Rent Control.

Netflix is allegedly circling the story, with rumors that Pitt may even play himself, while Clint Eastwood rises from his director’s chair to play John in a shocking comeback role.

The estate itself is also part of the lore.

Reports say Pitt didn’t just own a house, but an entire labyrinth of properties, including a skate park, tennis court, and secret tunnels connecting the homes.

So basically, John wasn’t just living rent-free; he was living in the world’s bougiest nursing home.

“Brad basically created an exclusive senior community for one person,” joked celebrity real estate “expert” Lance O’Shaughnessy.

“It’s Del Boca Vista, but with movie stars. ”

Of course, we can’t ignore the financial math.

Pitt bought the estate for $1. 7 million, expanded it into a palatial kingdom, then sold it for $40 million.

That means John, the rent-free widower, lived better than 99% of millennials ever will.

Forget avocado toast.

The real path to financial freedom is befriending Brad Pitt at age 90.

The real tragedy? John never gave an interview.

Not one.

Imagine the stories he could have told: Did he ever see Pitt doing push-ups shirtless in the garden? Did he babysit the Jolie-Pitt kids? Did he throw shade at George Clooney during dinner parties? America deserved this tea, and John took it to the grave.

Still, Pitt emerges from this saga looking like some sort of Hollywood Robin Hood.

Sure, he owns $40 million mansions, dates A-list actresses, and casually saves the world in cologne commercials, but deep down, he was also providing free senior housing.

“Honestly, Brad Pitt is the landlord we all deserve,” tweeted one fan.

“Imagine calling him about a leaky faucet. ”

Another chimed in: “If Brad Pitt told me rent was free, I’d live to 105 too.

Motivation. ”

And maybe that’s the final twist.

Maybe John’s secret to longevity wasn’t rent-free housing, or genetics, or kale smoothies.

Maybe it was just the sheer willpower of staying alive long enough to see Brad Pitt mow the lawn one more time.

So there you have it: Brad Pitt, America’s unlikeliest landlord, and John, Hollywood’s most successful squatter.

Together, they forged one of the weirdest and most heartwarming real estate sagas in celebrity history.

Brad may have sold the estate, but his legend as the sexiest landlord in America is only just beginning.