“TOOL TIME GOES ROGUE!” Tim & Karn’s $1B CBS Deal Has Woke Hollywood LOSING Its Mind

If you thought television couldn’t possibly sink any lower than The Masked Singer’s “giant avocado in a tutu” moment, brace yourself.

CBS just announced what may go down in history as either the boldest or the dumbest programming decision of the century: handing Tim Allen and Richard Karn a billion-dollar comedy contract to “take on woke culture. ”

Yes, you read that correctly.

Not a million.

A billion.

One thousand stacks of a million dollars just so two dads can grumble about pronouns in prime time.

If network executives wanted to announce to the world that they’re betting the farm on angry suburban nostalgia, they just pulled out the megaphone.

Let’s rewind.

Tim Allen, the man who once grunted his way through Home Improvement while wielding power tools like they were Thor’s hammer, and Richard Karn, aka the sweater vest sidekick Al Borland, are apparently making the television comeback no one ordered but everyone will hate-watch.

CBS is banking on them to deliver what insiders are calling “Dad TV, but weaponized. ”

According to leaks, the show will feature Allen and Karn as fictionalized versions of themselves running a failing hardware shop while battling “cancel culture activists” who want to shut down their business because they refuse to sell gender-neutral wrenches.

And yes, that is reportedly an actual plotline from the pilot script.

The title? Rumors swirl it could be “Woke This Way,” though an anonymous CBS intern leaked that the working title in the writers’ room is “Two Boomers and a Billion Dollars. ”

Either way, marketing insiders are already predicting the show will divide America faster than pineapple on pizza.

“This isn’t just comedy, this is war,” said fake media critic Dr.

Preston Blathers of the Institute for TV Outrage Studies.

“CBS is throwing gasoline on the cultural fire and then handing Tim Allen the matches. ”

Of course, people are asking: why Tim Allen? Why Richard Karn? Why now?

Tim Allen’s post-Toy Story career has mainly consisted of making sarcastic political quips on Twitter and starring in Last Man Standing, a sitcom that ran for a baffling nine seasons powered exclusively by dad jokes and Fox News viewership.

Richard Karn has mostly been living in the witness protection program for forgotten ’90s TV sidekicks, popping up occasionally in game shows and reruns that play in dentist offices.

But together, CBS believes they form a comedic infinity stone capable of snapping away the menace of woke culture once and for all.

The price tag is where jaws are hitting the floor.

A billion-dollar deal for a sitcom sounds more like a Pentagon budget item than a network comedy pitch.

But CBS executives reportedly see this as their “Hail Mary” play against streaming giants.

One anonymous exec allegedly told Variety, “Netflix has Bridgerton.

HBO has House of the Dragon.

Amazon has Rings of Power.

We have… dads yelling at clouds.

And honestly? We like our odds. ”

Naturally, the backlash has already begun.

Twitter exploded within minutes of the announcement, with one trending hashtag reading #NoMoreGrunting.

Another trending thread featured Gen Z TikTokers stitching old clips of Home Improvement with captions like “Imagine risking $1 billion for THIS. ”

A viral parody even showed Tim Allen grunting in black and white while the text read: “This is what CBS thinks will save TV. ”

Meanwhile, boomers are over the moon.

Facebook comment sections are on fire with posts like “Finally! A show that tells it like it is!” and “If loving Tim Allen makes me cancelled, then CANCEL ME, snowflakes!”

Even J. K. Rowling somehow chimed in on Twitter, posting: “Tim Allen is the warrior we need against cultural insanity. ”

No word yet on whether CBS will give her a cameo wielding a magic hammer, but honestly at this point, nothing would shock anyone.

Industry analysts are skeptical.

“Look, a billion dollars could fund five Marvel movies or twenty prestige dramas,” said fake Wall Street analyst Kyle Spreadsheet.

“CBS is basically rolling dice in Vegas hoping Tim Allen can out-Trump Trump. ”

Some are even calling this the riskiest entertainment investment since Quibi, which, as you may remember, burned through $1. 75 billion in six months before vanishing into the cultural abyss like a Snapchat ghost.

But don’t tell that to Allen and Karn, who appeared on CBS This Morning to promote the project.

“We’re not afraid to ruffle feathers,” Allen declared, grunting for emphasis.

“We’re here to build comedy with more power,” Karn added, looking like a man who still regrets not renegotiating his Home Improvement contract in 1998.

At one point, Allen reportedly joked, “Cancel culture? More like channel culture!” causing three CBS interns to faint from secondhand embarrassment.

The billion-dollar budget has also sparked conspiracy theories.

Where is the money actually going? Some believe the show will secretly be used to funnel funds into a new CBS theme park where guests can yell at animatronic baristas for spelling their names wrong.

Others claim Allen demanded a clause in his contract that every episode must feature him test-driving a vintage muscle car while lecturing about gas prices.

Meanwhile, Richard Karn allegedly negotiated a lifetime supply of flannel shirts and unlimited Chili’s gift cards.

Fans of actual comedy aren’t optimistic.

“It’ll be like watching your dad complain at Home Depot for 30 minutes,” one critic tweeted.

“But hey, at least the commercials will be shorter than Fox News. ”

Others predict the show will become hate-watch gold.

“This is CBS’s version of Tiger King,” another expert said.

“You won’t like it, but you won’t be able to look away.

It’s car-crash television, except the car is a Ford F-150 with a Punisher decal and a ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ bumper sticker. ”

But the ultimate question remains: can Tim Allen and Richard Karn actually deliver a billion dollars’ worth of comedy? Or will this be the Quibi of sitcoms, remembered only as a cautionary tale in business textbooks? The stakes couldn’t be higher.

With CBS doubling down on culture-war entertainment, their entire brand could implode if this series flops.

One rival executive from NBC allegedly quipped, “We’re not worried.

If it tanks, we’ll just reboot Friends again. ”

Until the premiere, one thing’s for sure: CBS has officially thrown subtlety out the window and gone all-in on boomer humor as their weapon of choice.

Will it be a billion-dollar bonanza or a billion-dollar belly flop? Grab your flannel, fire up the grill, and prepare for the most expensive dad joke in history.

Because in 2025, apparently, comedy is no laughing matter.