Brandon Aubrey’s LEGENDARY Kicks Have the Cowboys Buzzing — But Whispers Behind the Scenes Tell a Very Different Story 👀

Only in Dallas can a kicker suddenly become a superhero, a folk legend, and possibly the answer to America’s energy crisis all at once.

Enter Brandon Aubrey, the man, the myth, the guy Brian Schottenheimer claims can casually boot footballs from seventy yards out like he’s flicking a paperclip across a middle school classroom.

That’s right, seventy yards.

Not sixty, not sixty-five, but seventy.

You know, the kind of distance where normal human legs start crying, but apparently Aubrey just shrugs, ties his shoe a little tighter, and says, “Yeah, I’m good. ”

 

Forget Justin Tucker.

Forget Adam Vinatieri.

Forget every kicker who has ever lived.

Dallas is ready to anoint Aubrey as the reincarnation of Thor, only instead of wielding a hammer, he’s armed with the most powerful right leg in human history.

Brian Schottenheimer, who may or may not have been hypnotized by Aubrey’s golden calves, recently revealed that the Cowboys would “try it from 70ish. ”

Seventy-ish! Because why stop at seventy when you can just casually tack on another yard or two for fun? According to Schottenheimer, Dak Prescott himself asks about the “line to make,” and when he hears it’s around fifty yards, he just laughs because he knows Aubrey is probably good from seventy.

Excuse me, what timeline are we living in? Since when did NFL kickers start auditioning for the Avengers?

Social media went feral the second this quote hit the airwaves.

Cowboys fans immediately launched “Aubrey for MVP” campaigns, while rival fans rolled their eyes so hard they collectively caused a minor earthquake in Philadelphia.

One fan posted, “Brandon Aubrey is kicking balls to Jupiter.

Put the man in NASA already. ”

Another said, “He’s not a kicker.

He’s a human trebuchet. ”

And of course, memes poured in faster than Aubrey’s alleged kicks: Aubrey launching footballs into orbit, Aubrey splitting atoms with his shoe, Aubrey replacing SpaceX as America’s new space program.

Somewhere in Houston, scientists are genuinely wondering if they can strap a satellite to his cleat.

But let’s take a breath and remember we’re talking about a kicker.

Yes, kickers can be heroes, but they’re also the NFL’s most disposable employees.

One missed extra point and the same fans screaming “Aubrey is God” will be calling for his replacement on Craigslist.

That said, the hype is real, and Dallas is already preparing the “70-Yard Aubrey” T-shirts.

 

Jerry Jones, who loves a marketing opportunity more than life itself, is reportedly considering renaming AT&T Stadium “The House Aubrey Built” if this man actually drills one from seventy.

A fake insider told us, “Jerry’s already planning a halftime show where Aubrey kicks a ball over the giant jumbotron.

He wants fireworks, a gospel choir, and maybe Elon Musk in the stands crying. ”

Of course, rival teams are mocking this as peak Cowboys delusion.

Eagles fans are saying, “Cool story, bro.

Let us know when he makes one that actually counts. ”

Meanwhile, Giants fans are just confused because they haven’t seen a kicker make anything over thirty-five yards in years.

But Schottenheimer’s confidence seems dead serious.

He’s basically saying, “We’d let him kick from seventy.

No big deal.

Just another day at the office. ”

It’s the kind of casual flex that makes you wonder if Aubrey has secretly been training in the mountains with Shaolin monks.

And here’s where the comedy really lands.

Imagine the Cowboys actually lining up for a seventy-yard field goal.

The stadium goes silent.

The crowd holds its breath.

Aubrey trots onto the field like a gladiator entering the Colosseum.

The ball is snapped.

The kick sails into the air.

And then… it lands somewhere near the hot dog stand in section 320.

Because while it’s cute to dream about seventy-yarders, reality usually has other plans.

Fake sports scientist Dr.

Kevin Kickleg explained, “The human body technically can generate the force needed, but unless Aubrey’s shoes are made of vibranium, a seventy-yarder in a game is basically fantasy football. ”

 

But this is the Cowboys.

Fantasy is their business model.

Why settle for realistic expectations when you can sell the dream of a kicker who makes physics his side hustle? Aubrey’s teammates are reportedly buying into the hype, too.

Dak Prescott has been overheard joking, “Seventy yards? Let’s see if we can push him to eighty. ”

Micah Parsons allegedly said, “If Aubrey makes one from seventy-five, I’ll personally carry him off the field like Rudy. ”

And Jerry Jones? Rumor has it he’s already called Guinness World Records to book a judge.

Yet the funniest part of all this is that Aubrey isn’t even a traditional NFL kicker.

He was literally a professional soccer player before deciding to try American football.

So maybe the secret is that he’s been secretly building this cannon of a leg while pretending to be David Beckham.

Or maybe, just maybe, Cowboys fans are once again doing what they do best: inflating a preseason storyline into a Hollywood script.

Either way, it’s entertaining.

Now, let’s not ignore the inevitable tabloid twists.

What happens if Aubrey actually lines up for a seventy-yarder in a regular season game? Best case scenario, he nails it and instantly becomes a Dallas folk hero on the same level as Troy Aikman or Emmitt Smith.

Worst case scenario, he misses by twenty yards, slips on the turf, and suddenly the same fans calling him “the leg of God” are booing him into oblivion.

Fake therapist Dr. Jenna Panic says, “This kind of hype sets Aubrey up for inevitable heartbreak.

It’s like telling a kid he’s destined to be president when he’s six years old.

 

At some point, reality will hit—and reality has a funny way of being a 45-yard miss in the third quarter. ”

Still, the legend of Brandon Aubrey continues to grow.

Cowboys media is running with it.

Local news anchors are treating this kicker like he just cured world hunger.

ESPN is probably preparing a “30 for 30” documentary titled, “From Soccer Cleats to Seventy Yards: The Brandon Aubrey Story. ”

And you know Stephen A. Smith is somewhere sharpening his takes, ready to scream into a camera the second Aubrey misses a kick: “I TOLD YOU! SEVENTY YARDS? THE DALLAS COWBOYS ARE DELUSIONAL!”

But let’s face it, whether Aubrey makes the seventy-yarder or not doesn’t really matter.

What matters is the spectacle, the theater, the sheer absurdity of Cowboys football.

They’ve turned a kicker into a mythic figure, and for once, it’s not about Tony Romo fumbling a snap or Ezekiel Elliott eating cereal on the sideline.

It’s about a guy with a leg so allegedly powerful it might power half of Texas if plugged into the grid.

And for Cowboys fans, that’s enough.

So buckle up, folks.

The Brandon Aubrey saga is only just beginning.

 

Will he drill one from seventy and cement his legacy as the NFL’s most dangerous weapon? Or will he join the long list of Cowboys legends who shined bright for a hot second before collapsing under the weight of their own hype? Either way, one thing’s certain: the next time Dallas trots Aubrey out for a kick, every eye in the stadium—and every meme generator on the internet—will be watching.

Because in Cowboys Nation, even the kicker can be the star of the show.