“It’s Just Preseason” – 49ers Obliterate Chargers Like It’s the Playoffs!

The San Francisco 49ers did something so shocking, so historic, so earth-shattering on a random preseason evening that even the most hardened NFL fans spat out their overpriced stadium beers in disbelief.

They won.

That’s right, they beat the Los Angeles Chargers 30–23 in the final game of the preseason, which in tabloid football math means they’re already halfway to the Super Bowl and possibly a dynasty for the ages.

Forget February in Vegas—this victory, sealed before the real season even begins, has already been declared by overexcited Niners fans on Twitter as “better than the catch” and “basically our sixth Lombardi. ”

Calm down, Bay Area.

It was preseason.

But try telling that to a fanbase that hasn’t stopped screaming since Brock Purdy first wiggled his way into NFL relevance.

The game itself looked less like a football contest and more like a glorified audition for who gets to stand next to Christian McCaffrey on the sidelines this fall.

The 49ers’ offense clicked, the defense flexed, and Kyle Shanahan pretended like he wasn’t calling plays with the seriousness of a chess grandmaster plotting global domination.

Meanwhile, the Chargers were just trying not to get anyone injured, because let’s face it: no franchise has perfected the art of blowing potential quite like the Bolts.

One fan summed it up on Instagram: “We just lost a preseason game, but honestly, that means we’re winning the Super Bowl.

It’s Charger math.

You wouldn’t understand. ”

Brock Purdy, the quarterback who went from Mr. Irrelevant to Mr. Never-Stops-Being-Discussed, looked sharp enough to make skeptics wonder if his elbow surgery also included a free upgrade for laser vision.

“I swear he looks like Joe Montana and Tom Brady had a baby raised exclusively on In-N-Out burgers,” said one fan who was clearly three IPAs deep.

The tabloid jury is still out on whether Purdy is the real deal or just a fever dream cooked up by ESPN producers desperate for a Cinderella story.

Either way, he threw the ball, people caught it, and the 49ers won a game that technically doesn’t even count.

Cue the parade.

But here’s where things get hilariously dramatic: some 49ers fans are now petitioning the NFL to “make preseason wins matter. ”

Yes, you heard that right.

According to Change. org, a group of faithful lunatics want the NFL to “award an extra half-win for every preseason victory. ”

A fake NFL insider we just made up explained: “Look, if the 49ers are dominating in meaningless games, why shouldn’t they get credit? It’s like extra credit in school.

They’re clearly trying harder than the Chargers, and shouldn’t effort count for something?” Roger Goodell has yet to comment, probably because he’s too busy swimming in TV revenue and plotting new ways to ruin kickoffs.

Of course, no tabloid-style recap would be complete without fake drama, so here it is: whispers are already swirling that Kyle Shanahan might be “too good” at preseason, raising concerns that he’s peaking before the season starts.

Imagine being so cursed that you accidentally dominate August but then choke in January.

Sound familiar, Niners fans? It should.

But don’t worry—this time, things feel different.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Probably not.

Meanwhile, the Chargers are acting like the preseason doesn’t matter.

Classic deflection.

Justin Herbert smiled on the sidelines as if to say, “Guys, relax, I’ll throw 4,500 yards this year and still lose a playoff game by double digits. ”

Brandon Staley, forever the analytics professor disguised as a head coach, shrugged off the loss by telling reporters, “We’re saving our best plays for later. ”

Translation: “Please don’t fire me by Week 6. ”

But let’s circle back to the fan hysteria, because that’s where the real entertainment lies.

Bay Area Twitter erupted into chaos after the win, with one fan writing: “This team is HIM.

Every player.

HIM.

Even the waterboy is HIM. ”

Another posted: “If we beat the Chargers now, imagine what we’ll do to the Cowboys in January. ”

Let’s not forget, though, that 49ers fans have said that exact same thing every August since 1996, only to end up crying into garlic fries by NFC Championship weekend.

Still, credit where credit is due: the 49ers look stacked.

Brock Purdy.

Christian McCaffrey.

Deebo Samuel.

George Kittle.

Nick Bosa (assuming he’s done holding out for a paycheck larger than Elon Musk’s Twitter losses).

It’s a roster so loaded it makes fantasy football players cry with envy.

If they stay healthy—and that’s a big if considering Shanahan runs his skill players harder than a TikTok influencer chasing clout—they could finally deliver on years of “this is our year” chants.

As for the Chargers, they remain football’s greatest unsolved riddle.

A team with all the talent in the world but cursed with the soul of a sitcom character who always trips on the doorstep before entering the house.

“Every time I watch the Chargers, I feel like I’m watching a Greek tragedy,” said a fake sports psychologist we bribed with nachos.

“It’s like they’re destined to hurt their fans in the most creative ways possible. ”

Last night’s preseason loss fits the script perfectly.

So what does it all mean? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

But in the NFL, nothing is always something.

A preseason win turns into overconfidence, overconfidence turns into injuries, and injuries turn into fan meltdowns that fuel content like this.

The 49ers are preseason kings, and fans are already polishing imaginary Lombardi Trophies, while the Chargers reassure themselves that preseason losses mean “they’re just playing the long game.

” Long game? Please.

This is Los Angeles.

If you’re not winning now, fans are too busy watching Lakers highlights to even notice you exist.

The real fun begins next week when the regular season kicks off and the 49ers have to prove that their August dominance wasn’t just a beautifully meaningless mirage.

Will Brock Purdy keep the fairy tale alive? Will Kyle Shanahan stop overthinking fourth quarters? Will the Chargers invent a new, never-before-seen way to implode? Grab your overpriced popcorn, America.

Because if last night taught us anything, it’s that preseason football is the world’s greatest illusion: utterly meaningless, yet somehow the most entertaining trainwreck we can’t stop watching.

In conclusion, the 49ers may have just won the most important meaningless game of their lives.

They’re riding high, fans are drunk on delusion, and Brock Purdy is being anointed the messiah of the Bay.

But remember: the last time preseason champions tried to raise a banner, it was hung in someone’s garage next to their high school participation trophies.

So congratulations, 49ers—you’re the preseason Super Bowl champs.

Now go do it when it counts.

Until then, the Chargers will be lurking, ready to lose spectacularly in January like clockwork.

And isn’t that the real NFL tradition we all know and love?