“HIDE YOUR FOLDING FURNITURE — BUFFALO JUST WOKE UP! Bills Mafia RETURNS with a VENGEANCE!”

Bills football is back.

And apparently so is the annual Buffalo tradition of losing their minds before a single meaningful game has even been played.

The stadium lights are on.

The plastic folding tables are shaking in fear.

The beer coolers are already empty.

Bills Mafia has decided that the return of football is basically a national holiday.

And by the looks of it, they might actually think Josh Allen is the second coming of football Jesus.

Preseason barely started.

But try telling that to the guy wearing a Zubaz onesie screaming “This is our year” while holding a chicken wing like it’s the Lombardi Trophy.

Buffalo fans are in full midseason form already.

There are reports of people doing snow angel dives on asphalt parking lots.

It’s August.

There’s no snow.

This is not normal behavior.

A fan named “Big Tony” claimed this year’s squad is “basically the ’85 Bears mixed with the ’07 Patriots. ”

This is also the same man who last year predicted the Bills would win by 50 in the playoffs and then watched them get humiliated.

But hope springs eternal in Western New York.

Even the preseason warmups have been treated like a Broadway premiere.

Stefan Diggs caught one pass in practice and Twitter erupted like he had just cured world hunger.

Bills Mafia will analyze a Josh Allen handoff like it’s the Zapruder film.

They’ll convince themselves that a new rookie’s tackle in the third quarter of a meaningless preseason game is proof they are “built different” this year.

And don’t even bring up the tailgating.

The first home preseason game was like a Walmart Black Friday if everyone was drunk, shirtless, and determined to body slam their friends through a table.

One woman reportedly brought a crockpot of chili to a parking lot party in 90-degree weather.

A man chugged a beer out of a prosthetic leg.

Someone was spotted with a tattoo that read “Super Bowl Champs 2025” in fresh ink.

Bills fans are walking around like the ghosts of past heartbreak don’t exist.

It’s like they forgot about the four straight Super Bowl losses.

Or last year’s playoff collapse.

Or the fact that Patrick Mahomes still exists.

But this time they swear it’s different.

One fake NFL “insider” on social media claimed an anonymous AFC coach told him “The Bills are unstoppable if Josh Allen plays every position. ”

Sure.

Why not.

At this point, the hype is so high that if the Bills lose a preseason game, fans might demand the mayor declare a state of emergency.

ESPN showed a highlight of a Bills touchdown in a preseason scrimmage and fans reacted like it was a championship parade.

Even the players are leaning into it.

Josh Allen posted a selfie with the caption “We back” and it got more likes than a Taylor Swift breakup post.

Von Miller said in an interview that he feels “better than ever,” which, in Buffalo fan translation, means he’s about to have 35 sacks and win MVP.

Reality check — the regular season hasn’t started.

And when it does, the Bills will have to play actual NFL teams that don’t treat preseason like a holiday parade.

But try telling that to Bills Mafia.

They’re already making playoff travel plans.

Flights to Las Vegas in February are mysteriously spiking.

Some fans are even pre-ordering championship merch.

The local Walmart has sold out of folding tables three times this week.

This is not sustainable behavior.

But maybe that’s the beauty of Bills football being back.

It’s chaotic.

It’s loud.

It’s borderline irrational.

And it’s always dramatic.

NFL executives secretly love it because it means viral content for months.

There’s a 100 percent chance we’ll see someone in a Josh Allen jersey riding a flaming shopping cart by Week 3.

It’s tradition.

A fake sports psychologist I “interviewed” says this is actually healthy.

“Bills fans need the preseason to emotionally prepare for disappointment,” he said.

“The hype is part of their coping mechanism. ”

That may be the most accurate statement ever made about this fan base.

But here’s the thing.

Buffalo deserves to be excited.

This team is good.

They’ve got star power.

They’ve got swagger.

And they’ve got a fan base that would probably swim across Lake Erie if it meant one more first down.

The Bills are relevant again.

And in the NFL, that’s half the battle.

Just don’t be shocked if this year’s hype train derails at the most inconvenient time possible.

Because if there’s one thing more consistent than Bills Mafia’s optimism, it’s the cruel, inevitable heartbreak that seems to follow them.

Until then, enjoy the madness.

Bills football is back.

The beer is cold.

The tables are doomed.

And Buffalo is ready to make this season the most chaotic, entertaining ride in the league.

Whether it ends in glory or disaster, one thing is certain — Bills Mafia wouldn’t have it any other way.