Octomom Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman Reveals Why She Disappeared from the Public Eye in 2013

After spending four tumultuous years in the spotlight, Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman decided in 2013 that it was time to take control of her and her 14 kids’ lives.

“The life I was leading was not only destructive, it was dark. It was the antithesis of who I am as a person,” Suleman, 49, tells PEOPLE this week, opening up ahead of her new Lifetime biopic I Was Octomom and docuseries Confessions of Octomom.

In the two new projects, she resurfaces her remarkable story, of birthing the world’s first surviving octuplets in 2009, before being torn apart in the media for being a struggling single mom who, despite her circumstances, sought out numerous IVF treatments to have her large family.

Ray Tamarra/Getty Natalie Suleman

Ray Tamarra/Getty

Natalie Suleman
Related: Octomom Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman Reveals the Truth About Her Finances for the First Time: ‘I Did Whatever I Needed to Do’ (Exclusive)

“We were really struggling financially,” she said of that time. “And then it went from bad to worse. It was a very toxic time where I was sacrificing my integrity and it got to the point where human beings could only pretend for so long, and I was pretending to be this compartmentalized caricature that was the antithesis of my true character.”

It was during this time that Suleman says she would do paid interviews, photo opps and anything she could to make ends meet for her family, including participating in a solo adult film.

“When I started going down a dark dismal rabbit hole, I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to extricate myself out of that quagmire that I placed myself in,” says Suleman, who admits to playing into the negative hype at the time for money.

Amanda Friedman Natalie Suleman

Amanda Friedman

Natalie Suleman
“It took a toll and started eating away at my soul,” she says, “And eventually I just had to lean in really to my faith, my very strong faith in God. And it wasn’t until I did that, everything fell into place beautifully.”

“Finally I was able to just escape the false life and all of the toxic influences that enshrouded my family,” she says of seeking out rehab for anxiety and stress in late 2012. “The reality is I didn’t take time to sit and feel and process emotion because that’s when healing begins, when we sit in the pain and we sit in that uncomfortable feelings we don’t want to feel, that’s when we can start healing and growing and changing.”

Amanda Friedman Top row from L to R: Josh, Calyssa, Amerah, Caleb; Middle Row seated on bench L to R: Makai, Jonah, Josiah, Natalie, Noah, Maliya, Nariya; 2 kids on grass L to R: Isaiah, Jeremiah

Amanda Friedman

Top row from L to R: Josh, Calyssa, Amerah, Caleb; Middle Row seated on bench L to R: Makai, Jonah, Josiah, Natalie, Noah, Maliya, Nariya; 2 kids on grass L to R: Isaiah, Jeremiah
Related: Octomom Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman Shares Biggest Regret After Having 14 Kids: ‘I Should Have Sued My Fertility Doctor’ (Exclusive)

After that, she hit re-start. “I took my family back to my hometown, went back to my old profession as a counselor in 2013 until 2018. So I did work relentlessly full-time. It was non-stop but I had to. I had no choice.”

Though they continued to struggle financially, for Suleman, who now receives income as a caretaker for her profoundly autistic adult son Aidan, she says it was the break she and her family needed most.

“I’ve learned I’m more resilient than I thought, and I like the person I’ve become,” she says. “So if I hadn’t gone through all of the trials, tribulations, and adversity, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I learned that I can instill in my kids that make them the people they are today.”

I Was Octomom premieres March 8, while Confessions of Octomom premieres March 10, both on Lifetime.